


Lost and Found

by Thatswherethelightgetsin



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: Crossover, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-01 09:32:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 40,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13292028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatswherethelightgetsin/pseuds/Thatswherethelightgetsin
Summary: Vince accepts a necklace from a strange old man on the street and makes a wish... what could go wrong?





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is so loved and cherished.
> 
> Thanks to cabinet-captain for the read-through, advice and encouragement. So appreciated. And to Radiumkind for the prompt!
> 
> And now with AMAZING art by two incredibly talented artists. 
> 
> The brilliant Radiumkind’s beautiful piece for chapter four can be seen here: https://radiumkind.tumblr.com/post/169862076646/above-pic-and-the-rest-made-possible-by
> 
> And the totally fanatic Toothscratch did some incredible sketches for the second chapter here:  
> http://toothscratch.tumblr.com/post/170285180444/i-had-to-at-least-doodle-lost-and-found-manits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now complete with some BEAUTIFUL art by Keitan273. Their work is always lovely and this is very lovely:
> 
> http://agarlandoffreshlycuttears.tumblr.com/post/172452186637/keitan273-vince-noir-sketch-inspired-by-lost

“Just forget it!” Vince yelled. “I didn’t want you there anyway. It’ll be way better without you.”

 

He slammed his bedroom door so hard it rattled in the frame. It didn’t actually make him feel any better and he considered opening it again so he could have another go. He sensed that might just make him look silly so he threw himself down onto the bed instead. He tried to take some deep breaths, but they hitched in his chest and his eyes stang. He scowled at himself, furious that Howard still managed to have this effect on him.

 

It was just a party. His birthday party, admittedly. But who cared if Howard came or not? It wasn’t like any of his other friends liked him anyway. But Howard had been at every one of his birthday parties since he was little. Howard had thrown a lot of them to start with. When it was just the two of them. Back when Howard actually cared about him. He sniffed and willed himself not to cry. There was no point and it would only make him embarrassed later.

 

His hand went to his new pendant, a habit he'd seemed to pick up over the course of the day, and gripped it tightly. He played with the smooth metal, running his fingers over it. It was soothing.

 

He tried not to remember Howard’s face as he’d told him he wouldn't be coming on Friday. He’d looked uncomfortable but defiant. The bloody tit. As if he cared anyway. He didn’t. Howard would bring down the cool percentage of the party by at least 50% just by thinking about coming. It didn’t matter if he was coming. It didn't.

 

Only… Vince had _thought_ he was coming. When he’d pictured his outfit and his big entrance, Howard had been there to see them. When he’d thought about being nervous because some of his friends were a bit snooty about his taste in music sometimes, he’d thought about Howard grinning at him. He’d thought about his presence, solid and ridiculous, and he’d felt safe. But Howard didn’t care.

 

He wondered when that had happened. He was sure there was a time when Howard would have considered that missing Vince’s birthday was unthinkable. He wasn’t sure what he’d done to make Howard drift so far away. When had Howard decided that he wasn’t worth the effort?

 

It was just so confusing, because Howard wouldn't let him be either. They still hung around together sometimes. Howard would still make him dinner and they’d still crimp. But he obviously didn’t actually care and it left Vince caught between moving on and wishing… Well, it didn’t matter what he wished really, because Howard didn’t even want to be at his party. He just wished that he could move on. He hated constantly hoping something would change then being devastated or furious when it didn’t.

 

He sighed and gripped his pendant hard and closed his eyes tightly. “I wish,” he thought bitterly, “I wish Howard would just leave me be.”

 

The metal seemed to flash white hot for a moment. Vince’s eyes flew open. “Ow!” he hissed, and let go of the metal.

 

He brought his hand up to assess the damage but there was no mark and the metal was now hanging innocently against his chest, cool and unremarkable. He touched it gently but nothing seemed to have changed. He frowned. Maybe he’d imagined it? He wondered briefly if he ought to mention the pain to someone but decided against it. He didn’t think Naboo was in and there was nothing on earth that would make him talk to Howard. He touched the pendant again but nothing happened. He considered taking it off but he was reluctant. It really brought out the colour of his eyes and seemed to go with everything. He’d probably imagined the whole thing.

 

He sighed and got up to turn on some music, hoping it might drown out his thoughts and stop anyone from trying to come in and speak to him. He was going to be trapped in his room for the whole evening, but there was no way he was going to risk bumping into Howard again. Instead, he sat on his bed and tried to start some planning for his party. The thought seemed a bit dull and uninteresting, but there was no way he was backing out now. He’d just have to make the best of it. Just like he always did.

 

He carefully thought about the party he was going to plan, all the people he’d fill it with, the music and lighting. Then he started to plan his outfit.

 

He fell into a fitful sleep in the early hours of the following morning, exhausted and sad and desperately trying not to care that Howard hadn’t come to see him.

 

——

 

He woke late the next morning, his eyes still hot and a bit puffy. He showered and got ready slowly. He didn’t really have the energy for a big outfit so he just threw on some dark jeans and a new silk blouse he'd got at a vintage shop down the road. It was his new favourite and made him feel a bit better as he slowly put on the minimal amount of makeup.

 

The flat was quiet when he emerged from his room, which wasn’t unusual. Naboo was probably still asleep and the shop would have opened a couple of hours ago.

 

He paused at the top of the stairs, reluctant to go down. He really didn’t want to see Howard. He had no idea what he was going to say. He thought he’d managed to bury his hurt from the day before, but he couldn’t be sure. He always thought he’d bricked up his feeling but Howard always managed to find a way to slip through. He supposed he could go and see Leroy, but he was still going to have to get through the shop to get out.

 

Dread pooled in his stomach at the thought of seeing Howard. He wasn’t sure what would be worse: a continuation of the fight or Howard pretending that it hadn’t happened. They had tried both tactics after a fight and neither seemed to make him feel any better. Apologising didn’t seem to factor into it for either of them. Not any more.

 

He sighed and forced himself down the stairs. For all that they fought a lot, he still wasn’t used to it. He always ended up crying in his room, or the bathroom, or once in the storeroom, while Howard remained completely unaffected. That was probably the worst part, he thought as he slowly descended the stairs; Howard never seemed bothered about their fights. No matter what happened between them, Howard just seemed to carry on as normal.

 

Vince had found himself trying to break through that impassive facade. He’d always hated indifference more than dislike. It reminded him of when he was little and it made his heart race with fear. He’d always wanted people to see him. Something that Howard never seemed to have a problem with before. But lately… He sighed and tried to shrug off the thoughts. It wouldn't be good to go into the shop already feeling a bit wounded. He hated the idea of showing how much the current state of their relationship affected him. Because if Howard didn’t care, he certainly wasn’t going to show that it bothered him.

 

He took a deep breath and tried arrange his face into a neutral expression before he pushed open the door.

 

He stepped into the shop and stopped short. He looked around, a slow feeling of unease creeping over him. There were no lights on, despite it being a dark winter morning. Something was wrong.

 

“Howard?” Vince said softly, looking around the dark shop. Then, trying to shove down the fear trickling up his spine, added, “Where are you, you tit?”

 

He waited for a response that he knew wasn’t going to come. The shop was cold and clearly deserted. It felt all wrong. He turned in a circle in the centre of the room, searching for signs of life. He tried to remember if he’d heard Howard come upstairs last night. He didn’t think so. But he’d been playing his music pretty loud.

 

He swallowed and tried to dismiss the anxiety gathering in his stomach. Maybe he’d gone to see Lester and just stayed out.

 

The idea was ridiculous, of course. Even in the highly unlikely case that he’d stayed out past nine, Howard hadn’t missed a day’s work in his life. Vince couldn’t even remember him being sick. It always seemed to have been Vince tucked up in bed with Howard fussing over him, complaining that he needed Vince back at work.

 

He turned around, planning on going back upstairs to check Howard’s room, but stopped dead. The till was open and various items were laid out across the counter. Howard hadn’t tidied up.

 

He walked to the door, fear pooling cold and heavy in his stomach. It was unlocked with the ‘open’ side of the sign still facing out to the street. The fear was starting to morph into panic. It spread out from his chest, making his fingertips tingle.

 

He turned and fled back up the stairs and across the flat. “Naboo!” he called, knocking hard on the shaman’s door. “Naboo!”

 

The door was slow to open but Naboo eventually pulled it back and blinked angrily up at him. He was bare-chested and scowling, his turban skewed, but Vince hardly noticed. “Howard’s gone,” he said, his voice hard and angry sounding rather than shaking and fearful like he felt.

 

Naboo sighed and rolled his eyes. “Has that ball bag got kidnapped again?”

 

The thought made Vince’s stomach roil unhappily. He’d only just managed to chase Old Gregg off after Howard’s party. The thought that he might have returned and Vince hadn’t been there made him feel sick. “I don’t know!” he said. “He didn’t close up the shop and… he’s just gone. Can you find him?”

 

“Hang on,” Naboo said wearily and closed the door firmly in his face.

 

Vince paced back and forth outside of his room. It would be fine. Naboo would sort it out. Howard would be fine. Howard was always fine. He got in trouble and then Naboo and Vince saved him. That was basically just a normal Tuesday for them. He just hoped that he hadn’t been gone too long. He was always a bit grumpy if they didn’t get to him quickly.

 

“Bollo!” Naboo called as he came back out of his room, this time fully clothed and his turban on straight. “Get out here, Howard's missing again.”

 

“What?” Bollo grunted, shuffling into the room a few moments later.

 

“Howard’s missing,” Vince supplied, biting at his thumb nail.

 

“I got a-” he started.

 

“Not now, Bollo,” Naboo interrupted. “Just get my stuff so I can get back to sleep, I’m not sure if I’m hungover or still drunk and I don’t want to be awake to find out.”

 

Vince continued his pacing while Bollo and Naboo set up some sort of spell in the kitchen. Naboo would look up every now and then and bark at Vince to get him something. He followed orders automatically, not wanting to think or he’d start panicking again.

 

“Right,” Naboo said finally as he threw the last bits into the bowl in front of him. There was a puff of smoke and then a protracted silence. “Huh.”

 

“What?” Vince asked, stepping forward to get a better look at the table, but he couldn’t make anything out through the smoke.

 

“He’s dead,” Naboo said after a moment.

 

Vince’s vision swam and his knees went a bit weak. “What?” he said after a moment. “You mean… he’s like in monkey hell or something? Where do I-”

 

“No,” Naboo said firmly. “I mean he’s dead.”

 

Vince shook his head, his face wanting to crumple but he clenched his jaw instead. His mind kept seeming to glitch, unable to settle on the words Naboo had just said. “I don’t…” he started. “I don’t understand.”

 

“Howard gone,” Bollo said, his hand landing heavily on Vince’s shoulder and making him stumble. “Bollo sorry that Vince will be sad.”

 

“But,” he said. His heart was starting to race, heat rising to his face. This couldn’t be happening. “He can’t just be dead. I just saw him yesterday!” It was a stupid thing to say, but he didn’t have anything else.

 

Naboo looked unusually solem. “I’m sorry, Vince,” he said slowly. “But, this spell doesn’t lie. Howard’s gone.”

 

“No,” he said, shaking his head as he vision began to swim. “That’s ridiculous. What happened? He was in the shop and he was fine… he can’t just-”

 

Naboo shrugged. “I don’t know what happened,” he said, gesturing at the spell behind him. “But the spell is clear. He’s not in this Earthly realm.”

 

Vince thought he might be sick. He swallowed and tried to focus, blinking rapidly to clear his vision. A few tears leaked down his face but he ignored them. There was something about what Naboo just said that made he pause. “But, then he could be in another realm, like with Monkey Hell?”

 

“That would have left some sort of trace,” Naboo said. “Besides, if he were there, there’d be a body here and there isn’t. It looks like he just winked out of existence last night.”

 

“How?” Vince’s voice sounded weak and small. He was about to really start crying, he could feel it welling up inside of him. But he balled his hands into fists and tried to fight it. He needed to think.

 

“Some bad juju,” Naboo said slowly, his voice heavy. “I’ve never-” he stopped abruptly and glared at Vince. “What’s that?” The shaman was staring at him with narrowed eyes, his voice suddenly sharp.

 

“What?” Vince said, stepping back automatically.

 

“That.” Naboo pointed at him, and he realised that his hand had gone to his pendant. He was playing with it, smoothing his hands over the surface of the metal.

 

“Nothing,” he said, dropping his hand. “Just my necklace.”

 

“You wore it yesterday,” Naboo said, his eyes still narrowed.

 

“So?” he asked, feeling defensive and confused. “It goes with everything.”

 

“I’ve never seen you wear the same accessories twice in a row before. Where’d you get it?” Naboo took another step toward him and Vince backed up again.

 

“This old man gave it to me on the street… Oh,” he said. A strange feeling that was part terror and part hope creeping over him.

 

Naboo held out his hand and Vince reluctantly took the necklace off and gave it to him. The shaman stared at it for a long time, his eyes narrowed. “This is magic,” he said slowly. “I’ve never seen anything like it before…”

 

“Can I use it to get him back?” Vince suddenly realised that he’d been crying while he waited for Naboo to speak. His face was wet with tears and he brought his hand up to wipe them away.

 

“I don’t know…” Naboo turned the pendant over again. “What did the old man say?”

 

Vince frowned. It seemed like such a long time since he’d met the strange man that he struggled to pull the memories forward in his brain. “Nothing,” he said, feeling terrified and sick. “He just gave me it… he said I might need it.”

 

Naboo stared at the necklace for a long time before asking Bollo to get some more equipment. He started poking at the pendant and mumbling angrily under his breath. Vince bit his lip and tried not to start crying again.

 

His mind kept trying to find ways around the Naboo’s words, around Howard really being gone. The idea was forming that perhaps he might have had something to do with it. He wasn’t sure how, but the idea was making him feel dizzy with terror. The world without Howard didn’t seem possible. They hadn’t been apart for more than a couple of weeks since they were little.

 

“Naboo,” he burst out when he couldn't keep it in any more, “Naboo, _please_.”

 

Naboo’s eyes snapped to him. “I think I know what it is,” he said slowly. “You remember the mirror world?”

 

Vince sniffed, trying to keep more tears from spilling out. He was going to look like a right plonker when they got Howard back if he didn’t stop snivelling. “Yeah,” he said when he was sure his voice wouldn’t break.

 

“I think this is a bit like that,” Naboo said. “I can’t be sure because, like I say, I’ve never seen anything like it before. But, it seems to be connected to other universes. I think Howard might have been sucked into one of them.”

 

“Why did you say he was dead then?” Vince said, relief hitting him like a freight train. “How do I find him?”

 

Naboo shrugged. “His soul isn’t here anymore, and there was no indication that it had left. Besides, you didn’t tell me that you’d brought any potentially lethal magical objects into the flat.”

 

Vince barely heard him, he was already on his feet. “How do I get to him?”

 

Naboo sighed. “It’s not that simple,” he said. “I have no way of knowing which universe he’s even in. If that’s what happened and he’s not just dead. Or in one of them _and_ dead.”

 

“I’ll find him,” Vince said, “I always find him. Just show me how to do it. I need to hurry up, what if something’s already happened to him?”

 

“You sure you want that?” Naboo said slowly.

 

“What?” Vince snapped, the words breaking through his panic stopping him short.

 

Naboo shrugged. “Just checking that you really want him back,” he was giving Vince an odd look. “This pendant is designed to grant wishes.”

 

Vince felt a fresh wave of nausea wash over him again. “What the hell are you talking about? Of course, I want him back. He’s my best friend. Stop being a tit and help me find him.”

 

“Okay,” Naboo said with a shrug. “But there’s something else going on here, so just be careful.”

 

“Just hurry up,” Vince snapped, not at all liking the implication of Naboo’s words and in no mood to try and figure them out.

 

It looked for a moment like Naboo was going to argue but instead he shrugged. “Fine, just get me your full length mirror.”

 

Vince didn’t wait to ask more questions, he just marched to his room and brought it out. He barely even glanced at his reflection as he did. He just wanted to get on with finding Howard and bringing him home. Naboo was already fussing with the necklace when he returned, saying something over it. Once Vince put down the mirror in front of him and Naboo gently placed the necklace over one corner and threw some more herbs at it.

 

“Right,” he said, giving Vince a hard look. “I’ve set this up as a tunnel between the universes. When you touch the surface of the mirror you’ll enter a new universe. I don’t know which one, and I have no way of knowing if it’s the one where Howard is. Here,” he said, handing Vince back the necklace, “keep this on. I don’t know if it’ll do anything, but you might have been given it for a reason.”

 

“I got a bad feeling about this,” Bollo said.

 

Vince shrugged and hung the necklace back around his neck. “I’ll find him,” he said, feeling less certain than he wanted to appear. But he wasn’t about to back out. Howard needed him. Those few minutes where he’d thought Howard was really gone hung in his head, making his chest tight and eyes want to water. There wasn’t any choice. He didn’t want to be in a universe where Howard wasn’t. He stepped forward to the mirror and tried to grin at his friends. “How’d I get back?” he asked, his hand nearing the surface of the mirror.

 

Naboo shrugged. “Just touch the mirror again.”

 

Vince nodded. It sounded simple enough. “And that’ll bring me back here?”

 

Naboo shrugged again. “Eventually.”

 

Vince didn’t much like the sound of that, but he also didn’t have time to unpack what it might mean. “See you in a bit,” he said softly and, before he could think about it too much, reached out and placed the tips of his fingers against the glass.

\-----

 

He had the sensation of the falling forward and the breath was suddenly knocked out of him. He swore and stumbled, his hands reaching out to right himself. His hands came into contact with a table and he used that to balance himself before looking up.

 

“Oh,” he said, feeling a bit disappointed. He was still in the kitchen. He looked around to snap at Naboo that it hadn’t worked, but he and Bollo had gone. He sighed and was about to turn around and touch the mirror again, when he heard footsteps on the stairs.

 

He looked up just as Howard appeared, a frown on his face and wearing the same clothes he’d had on the day before. Vince felt his knees go a bit weak as relief hit him. “Thank God,” he muttered. “That was easier than I thought.”

 

“There you are,” Howard said, a put out expression on his face. “I’ve been looking for you.”

 

“You’ve been looking for _me_ ,” Vince repeated. He was so relieved that he couldn’t even be annoyed at the exasperated sigh Howard let out.

 

Howard didn’t seem to hear him, he just marched across the room towards him. Vince was just thinking of something cutting to say about how Howard might want to work up some gratitude given Vince was here to save him. _Again_. But the words died on his tongue as Howard reached out and took hold of his hand. “Come on, little man,” he said. “I’ve been waiting for ages and I’m starving.”

 

Vince froze, his whole body locking up. He wasn’t sure when the last time Howard had voluntarily touched him had been. Months. It felt like years. He certainly hadn’t called him ‘little man’ unless he was telling him off since before they tried to go to America. Howard didn’t seem to notice his surprise; he was walking back across the room, tugging on his hand as he went. He stopped when Vince didn’t move with him and turned back to face him. “What?” he asked, a frown on his face.

 

“What’s going on?” Vince asked. He was getting the impression that he was missing something, but he had no idea what it might be. He didn’t shrug out of Howard’s grip, though, both because he wasn’t sure what was going on and it made him feel grounded and he was suddenly afraid that Howard might disappear again if he did.

 

“What do you mean?” Howard asked. “Lunch, I thought.” He stared at Vince for a moment before rolling his eyes. But, Vince noticed with a jolt of surprise that he was smiling, a little tug of his lips. He’d recognise the light in the other man’s eyes anywhere. “Is this about this morning?”

 

“What?” Vince asked dumbly, he hadn’t realised how much he’d missed that expression and he was caught off-guard by it.

 

“Look, I’m sorry we got interrupted,” Howard said, then he was suddenly stepping into Vince’s personal space, crowding him back against the table. Vince backed off, alarmed at the abrupt change in Howard’s demeanor. There was a light in his eyes that he definitely did not recognise now, although the amusement was still there. “I guess we could be a bit later for lunch,” Howard continued, apparently completely unaware of Vince’s confusion. Howard’s voice had dropped to a low rumble which made Vince’s stomach flip and then immediately fill with butterflies.

 

“What are you doing?” He’d meant to sound outraged, if not out and out horrified, but it came out all breathy and flustered.

 

Howard smiled down at him and wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him closer. Vince let out an embarrassing squeak as their bodies were brought flush together. “I was going to finish off what we started this morning,” he breathed, leaning down. “Unless you’ve decided to give up blowjobs for lent or something.”

 

Those words coming out of Howard’s mouth, combined with their proximity made something in Vince’s head shut down entirely. This was clearly very wrong, but he was so confused and flustered that something out of one of his most embarrassing dreams was suddenly real, rendered him completely speechless. There was a voice screaming dimly in his head that Howard was about to kiss him. His body wanted to do about ten different things at once and he wasn’t sure which one to act on. He didn’t know if he ought to push him away, faint, snog him silly or just start screaming. He was so conflicted that he did nothing at all.

 

Howard meanwhile was grinning at him, what could only be described as wolfishly, and leaning down. Their lips were so close that Vince’s eyes fluttered shut all on their own.

 

“What the fuck?”

 

Howard jumped back at the angry shout from the other side of the room and spun around. Vince looked up and his vision swam for a moment. He blinked rapidly, utterly confused. There, at the top of the stairs was another him. He was even wearing the same outfit he had on and everything, only he was pairing his with a look of utter fury.

 

“Who the hell is _that_?” Other Vince said, stomping into the room.

 

Howard had leapt away from Vince as though he’d been electrocuted. “Vince?” he said, clearly flustered, looking between the two of them. “I thought… I thought it was _you._ ”

 

“No way,” he said, marching across the room to stand next to Howard. “I’ve been downstairs in the storeroom like you told me to be. You been up here trying to get off with some sort of imposter?”

 

Vince felt his face flush. He knew the expression on Other Vince’s face. He was furious and jealous. Someone was gonna get cut up if he didn't do something. Besides, speaking was much preferable to thinking about what had just happened. “He thought I was you,” he said quickly. Then frowned, not sure where to even start. “Which I am, I guess. I’m you but from another universe.”

 

“You’re not Old Gregg in a mask?” Howard said, edging further away from him. Vince watched in sort of horrified fascination as he reached out to grip Other Vince’s hand tightly.

 

“Nope,” Vince said. “I’m looking for Howard…” He paused. This was going to be a nightmare. “My Howard. He’s gone missing.”

 

“You looking for him in my Howard’s mouth?” Other Vince was still looking angry, boarding on petulant. He wondered if that was the look he’d get on his own face when people tried to hang out with Howard. The thought was embarrassing, but uncomfortable due to its likelihood.

 

“Hey, Howard just came in and grabbed me, I didn’t do nothing.” It was true. There was no way he was going to admit that he hadn’t stopped him, either.

 

“I thought he was you!” Howard said quickly.

 

Vince could see a fight looming. He didn’t have time for it. “You don’t got an extra Howard then?” he said cutting off whatever Other Vince was about to say.

 

“No,” he said, glaring at Vince. “I think I would have noticed if we had a new Howard that wasn’t _my_ Howard.”

 

“Well, if he ain’t here, I better be off,” he said, gesturing at the mirror and feeling incredibly uncomfortable at the way the other two men were clinging together. The image was fascinating in its strangeness, but it made him want to blush and run away so he never had to see it again while at the same time, being unable to take his eyes off of it.

 

“We could always asked Naboo,” Howard interrupted. “Maybe he can help you find your Howard.”

 

“No way!” Other Vince snapped. He looked so much like an angry cat, that Vince wanted to laugh. His hair seemed to be standing on end, although maybe this universe just had slightly stronger Root Boost or something. He watched Other Vince glare at him, apparently seconds away from hissing and had to smile. He had never been very good at sharing Howard and that clearly extended to other versions of himself.

 

“Nah,” Vince agreed slowly. “My Naboo’s already tried.” The idea was tempting but he wasn’t in the mood to hang around in such a weird universe.

 

“But, he might know something your Naboo doesn’t,” Howard insisted. “It’s worth a go isn’t it?”

 

Other Vince was glaring at Howard with his arms crossed, but he didn’t actually say anything so Vince shrugged. “I guess it can’t hurt.”

 

Howard turned to look at Other Vince expectantly and they had a silent conversation (argument) before Other Vince huffed and stomped away back down the stairs. “He’s just going to get Naboo,” Howard said slowly. “He’s more likely to help if…” Howard trailed off, looking embarrassed and Vince couldn’t help grinning a bit smugly. It looked like some things didn’t change with the universes. “Sorry about before,” Howard said, blushing and fidgeting with the sleeves of his shirt. “I didn’t realise you weren’t…”

 

Vince shrugged and tried to look unaffected. “It’s fine. Well weird, but fine.”

 

Howard frowned at him, looking a bit confused but Vince didn’t know what to say. He had a lot of questions. Too many, probably, but he also wasn’t sure that he really wanted answers to any of them. They stood in awkward silence for what felt like years before he couldn’t take it anymore. “You two been like… that long?” His voice came out a bit strangled, the sheer weirdness of it making him feel shaky.

 

Howard startled at the volume of the question but then Vince watched a pleased little smile creep over the other man’s face. “About a year,” he said slowly. His tone was fond and a little bit proud, he stood a little taller when he spoke. “It sometimes feels like forever and yet…” He trailed off, looking wistful. It made something clench a bit painfully in Vince’s stomach.

 

He felt panicked for reasons he couldn't really articulate but it made him a lot less inclined to ask more questions. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Howard looking so pleased and the idea that it was because he was banging Other Vince was too strange to fit in his brain. Thankfully he was saved from having to think of anything to say by Other Vince almost running up the stairs followed at a more sedate pace by Naboo.

 

The shaman’s eyebrows rose when he saw Vince. “Huh,” he said and then walked by them to his bedroom.

 

“What you two been doing?” Other Vince said, eyeing him suspiciously.

 

Vince rolled his eyes. “Keep your pants on,” he snapped. “I ain’t gonna try anything on with Howard. We were just talking.”

 

“Vince was asking how long we’ve been together,” Howard said, that note of pride still in his voice.

 

“Was he now?” Other Vince said slowly, something calculating in his eyes. “Why’d you want to know that?”

 

Vince shrugged. “I don’t know, it’s what you ask, ain’t it?” He didn’t like the look Other Vince was giving him and he looked away quickly.

 

“You ain’t telling the story again, are you?” Vince said, sounding fond under the teasing note in his voice.

 

Howard beamed at him. “I wasn’t,” he said. “It’s you that likes to tell everyone we meet, not me.”

 

“No way,” Vince said, a grin tugging at his mouth. “I heard you telling the postman the other day.”

 

“He asked!” Howard exclaimed. “Probably because you did that interview with Cheekbone about it.”

 

Vince watched the two of them bicker and suddenly felt a pang of jealousy so strong that he swayed where he stood. Not because they were apparently bumming. But something about the patter of their words reminded him so strongly of how he and Howard used to be that he could feel a lump forming in his throat. They hadn’t been getting on for so long that it was sometimes hard to remember that they ever had. But he remembered the look on Other Vince’s face; the sheer delight of having Howard's attention on him, at being able to make the other man smile despite himself. He could barely stand to look at Howard. He wasn’t sure if his own version had ever looked at him with the look of open affection that he was sending Other Vince’s way, but it made his stomach twist painfully.

 

He was so relieved when Naboo reentered the kitchen, he let out a slow breath, willing himself not to do anything that would embarrass him further. Naboo was already shaking his head before he’d reached them. “Sorry,” he said, “the only other person we got in his universe is you, Vince.”

 

“Is there anyway for Vince to track the other Howard?” Vince said.

 

Naboo shrugged. “I don’t think so,” he stepped up to the mirror and reached out a hand to it. He was careful not to touch the surface and closed his eyes for a few minutes. “I don’t know what this is,” he said slowly. “But it’s really powerful, some bad juju, you should be careful with it.”

 

Vince shrugged. “That’s what my Naboo said, but I have to find Howard so I ain’t got much of a choice. Isn’t there some way to speed this up at least? Should I not be talking to other Howards if I keep seeing them?”

 

“This is some well strange magic,” Naboo said slowly. “I don’t know what it wants or how it works. But if you see Howard and Vinces, that’s what you’re meant to see. I reckon you need to talk to them. One of them might have the answer to all of this. I can ask the council but not for a few days as they’re all on Tony’s stag do.”

 

Vince frowned. “I don’t have time for that, but thanks.”

 

“Suit yourself,” Naboo said with a shrug, seemingly already bored with the conversation. “I gotta go anyway. You two be careful, I don’t need any of your nonsense this weekend,” he pointed at Other Vince and Howard with narrowed eyes before turning and walking away back down the stairs.

 

“Sorry about that,” Howard said once he was gone.

 

“It’s fine,” Vince said, trying not to feel too disappointed. It was always going to be a long shot anyway. “I better get going if I’m gonna find Howard and a universe where we ain’t bumming.”

 

Other Vince grinned cheekily at him. “Good luck with that one!”

 

Howard was blushing but he looked a bit defiant too. “You mean you are your Howard aren’t…” he trailed off and gestured vaguely.

 

“As if!” Vince said, doing his best to look both outraged and disgusted, even if he could feel himself blushing at the implication.

 

“You still pretending not to want to bum him senseless then?” Other Vince said, his jealousy apparently forgotten in the face of Vince’s own embarrassment. He nudged Howard. “Remember that phase?” he asked with grin.

 

“I don’t-” Vince started, and then realised that he didn’t need to even have this conversation. This version of him and Howard had obviously gone wrong.  “Never mind,” he said, shaking his head. “Enjoy your lunch and whatever else you do.” He gave a jaunty wave before turning and touching the mirror again without waiting for an answer.

 

The jolt forward was just as surprising the second time, but he managed not to fall forward when he made contact with the ground. When he’d got his balance, he looked up and immediately froze. He was facing the sofa in the flat, but this time he wasn’t alone.

 

Howard and Vince were on the sofa. Or rather, Howard was on the sofa and Other Vince was straddling his waist while snogging him like it was going out of fashion. It took a few moments for the scene to really sink in while Vince stood rooted to the spot, blinking in confusion. Other Vince’s face was flushed and his hair in complete disarray, but he didn’t seem to have even noticed.

 

But it was Howard that Vince couldn’t take his eyes off. His big hands were gripping Other Vince’s arse and pulling him closer, his hips lifting off the sofa to meet the motion. His eyes were tightly closed, a look of pleasure on his face. He was meeting Other Vince’s open mouthed kisses eagerly, panting as they parted so Other Vince could pepper kisses across his face.

 

The scene was something that not even his wildest imagination would have dreamed up. If he’d ever imagined Howard having sex - and Vince would adamantly tell you he hadn’t - he would have mostly assumed that the other man would be an almost reluctant partner. All under the covers, lights out and missionary style, and just twice a year or to make a baby. Never… like this. Not completely overtaken with it and so _wanton._ This Vince had not had to coerce this Howard into anything judging by the porn noises they were both making.

 

Howard was tugging at Vince’s shirt, pulling it out of his jeans so he could run his hands underneath it, making Other Vince groan. There was some shifting about as they started to try and remove clothes.

 

Vince should leave. Surely they were going to notice him any moment, but he couldn’t seem to make any of his limbs move. It was like a horror show. He wanted to look away, but he was compelled to keep staring ahead.

 

“Vince,” Howard groaned, “Vince I want-” He seemed to run out of words but that didn’t stop Other Vince from seemingly understanding. He leant down and kissed him hungrily again.

 

The sound of Howard’s voice jolted Vince into action. He turned, blindly reaching out for the mirror. The shock of hearing his friend’s voice seemed to make the scene in front of him startlingly real. There was no denying that was Howard and Vince. It was _them_ only… Howard’s voice had been deep and breathy. It was clear how turned on he was and it was making something spark in Vince’s veins. He thought the image of Howard and his big hands all over Other Vince would probably be seared into this mind forever. He’d been hard since he first heard the other man moan and he suddenly needed to be as far away as possible.

 

**TBC**


	2. Chapter two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What the hell?” The man who had just opened the door said slowly. It was Howard, it was obviously Howard. Only he looked different. He had shorter hair and a beard rather and his usual moustache. But there was more to it than that. He held himself completely differently, and, if the way he was clinging to the door was any indication, he was drunk. Non-Howard squinted blearily at Vince for a moment before before speaking again. “Jones?”

**Chapter two**

 

He stared around wildly at the next stop, terrified at what he might see. He didn’t think he could cope with Howard talking about or taking part in any more sex acts. He let out a slow breath when he found himself in the flat and alone.

 

He took a moment to adjust himself in his jeans and will himself to calm down. He was being ridiculous. Obviously he needed to go out more, get a bit of action. It had been awhile and it was clearly doing strange things to him. He very deliberately filed the last two stops away deep in his brain and tried to will himself to never think of them again. It wouldn’t do him any good to think about them. Besides, he needed to concentrate; he had a job to do.

 

“Howard?” he called out, for lack of a better idea of what to do next.

 

“Vince?” came the almost immediate reply. Howard’s bedroom door opened and the man himself appeared. “You’re back,” he said.

 

Vince froze, now not sure how to proceed. He studied the other man closely, trying to discern if he was _his_ Howard or some weird alternative version of him. At least he wasn’t trying to bum him yet, which was a good sign. “Alright Howard?” he said, for lack of anything else.

 

Howard smiled brilliantly at him. Vince’s stomach wanted to sink and swoop at the same time. This wasn’t his Howard. His Howard hadn’t smiled at him like that for months. Maybe years. Not with such open affection and pleasure at seeing him. It made a stupid lump want to form in his throat while simultaneously making him want to smash things. If Howard noticed his inner turmoil he made no indication of it, instead walking across the room toward him.

 

“I didn’t think you’d be back so early,” he said, going to kettle and filling it up. “I made you toad in the hole for dinner.”

 

Vince didn’t know what to say. He tried to remember the last time Howard had cooked for him. It probably wasn’t that long ago, but he certainly hadn’t done it with such apparent pleasure. “Thanks,” Vince found himself saying automatically.

 

Howard smiled at him again as he reached up to take two cups from the cupboard and drop tea bags into them. “You want to watch a film tonight?” he asked while the kettle heated up.

 

Vince shrugged. He felt almost more thrown off by this version of Howard than he did by the ones that had been trying to bum him. This Howard seemed relaxed and happy to see him. He didn’t think he’d seen his Howard like this before. It was strange and maybe that was why he just nodded rather than telling him that he was from an alternative universe.

 

When the tea was made Howard walked over to him and handed him a mug. Vince took it and tilted his head up to thank him when Howard leant down and kissed him. It was a gentle press of lips, warm and affectionate.

 

Howard let out a little hum of pleasure when they pulled back. “I missed you,” he murmured. “I didn’t have to pull several tons of hair out of the drain and it gave me too much spare time.”

 

Vince found himself rooted to the spot for what seemed like the hundredth time in ten minutes. What the hell was going on? Was his the only universe where he and Howard weren’t fucking?

 

“I…” Vince started, his brain still scrambling to catch up with what was happening. “I’m not Vince.”

 

Howard stepped back immediately, frowning at him. “What?”

 

“I mean,” Vince hurried on, “I am Vince, obviously, I mean look at this hair, who else has hair this good?” He was aware that he was babbling but he was too caught up in the way Howard’s face had changed. It had closed off, his pleased, open expression gone and replaced with something much harder. This was his Howard and it made his heart ache. “I just mean… I came through that mirror.” He pointed behind himself and Howard looked over his shoulder. “I lost my Howard and I’m looking for him…. Have you seen him?”

 

Howard eyed him for a long moment, but then nodded once in understanding. His expression seemed to suggest that this type of occurrence was not that unexpected. Vice relaxed a little, he didn’t want to somehow have to prove who he really was, if that would even be possible.

 

“What happened?” Howard asked after a moment of silence where he looked at Vince closely. “How did you lose him?”

 

Vince shut his mouth firmly. There was no way he was going to admit that it might have been his fault. Not that it _was_ actually his fault. If Howard hadn’t been such a tit, Vince wouldn’t have wished him gone. But that was much too difficult to explain to Howard. Especially when his lips were still tingling a bit from where they’d kissed. “He got sucked into another universe, Naboo said I could find him but I don’t know which one he’s in. So, I’m just passing through.”

 

“Are you okay?” Howard said, which was not what he was expecting at all.

 

He shrugged and bit his lip. “I’m fine, I just want to find him. He’s well grumpy if I don’t get to him sharpish.”

 

Howard’s mouth quirked. “Well, he probably thinks you aren’t coming,” he said with a bit of a rueful smile.

 

“What’s that mean? Of course I’m coming for him! I _always_ come for him.” At least. He always used to. When he thought Howard actually wanted him to. He supposed he hadn’t run to him so much lately, but that was just because Howard always seemed to be making a point of showing how little he was needed.

 

Howard gave him a bit of strange look. “You mean he hasn’t told you?”

 

Vince was already fed up with these universes, where he didn’t understand anything that was happening, where Howard was Howard only not. He just wanted to go home and not have to think about any of it ever again. “Howard don’t tell me anything worth knowing,” he said, and was surprised at the bitterness in his own voice.

 

Howard looked at him for a moment. “Your tea's getting cold,” he said, nodding at the mug in Vince’s hand. “I think I have some biscuits here if you want some.”

 

He was a bit annoyed at the change in subject, but he was also dying for a cuppa and he hated not having biscuits with them so he nodded tightly. Howard rummaged around in the cupboards before bringing out some chocolate Hobnobs and handing the packet to Vince and gesturing for him to sit at the table. Vince took his seat reluctantly, feeling a bit sour and knowing it was probably unfair but not sure what to do about it. Howard didn’t seem bothered by his mood, which was weird in itself. They were silent for a long moment.

 

“You’re not together in your universe, are you?” Howard said eventually. He was looking at his mug intently, his ears turning a bit red.

 

Vince watched him in fascination. He had the strange urge to lie. He’d never much liked not giving the answer Howard wanted him to. “No,” he said shortly, in the end. “We’re not like that… I don’t…” He trailed off, not sure how to put it into words.

 

Howard just nodded and continued to look at his tea. “Did he do something to mess it up?”

 

It was such an odd question that Vince stared blankly at him for a long time. “No,” he said slowly. “We just ain’t like that.”

 

“I… I mean he…” Howard started. “Has he not said anything about it?”

 

“No way, Howard ain’t-” he cut himself off, suddenly worried about offending this Howard. “My Howard don’t like men and anyway… I’m not… He’s _Howard_.” Vince didn’t like this conversation in the least. He wanted to be gone already. He picked up his tea and gulped it. It was too hot and burnt on the way down, but that didn’t stop him from taking another drink from the mug.

 

“I can see it now,” Howard said after a moment, where he watched Vince closely. “You’re not him. My Vince is… you’re like he was a few years ago.”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He snapped, he was in no mood to be judged by Howard. Especially one that wasn’t even his Howard.

 

Howard just grinned at him. “Nothing, he just took awhile to get used to it too,” he said, mildly, apparently unconcerned with Vince’s harsh tone.

 

“Get used to being bummed by you?” Vince asked pointedly. “I’ll bet it did. That is well weird.”

 

He felt a stab of vindictive pleasure at the flash of hurt and the blush that crept over Howard’s cheeks. He looked back down at his mug and hunched his shoulders. “I meant,” he said softly, “that I loved him.”

 

Vince froze at the words, his stomach twisting painfully. He wasn’t sure what to say. “Well, my Howard don’t feel that way about me,” he said firmly. That had always been clear. Vince had, he would admit, wondered about the two of them when he was much younger. Howard was sort of his type. Or at least one of his types. He hadn’t minded flirting with the him when he was younger and still trying things out. But, Howard had been very clear in his rebuffals. Vince had pined a bit, sure. Who wouldn’t when they were rejected by their closest friend? But he’d moved on. He didn’t feel that way about him now. What would be the point?

 

“Hmmm,” Howard said. “I doubt that very much.”

 

“Look,” Vince said, suddenly a bit annoyed, “it’s really none of your business.” He felt a bit silly for snapping but the last hour had been so confusing that he just wanted to to be alone. He needed time to bury all the things he’d seen, and more importantly, how they’d made him feel. “Anyway, you ain’t Howard and I better get going,” he said, placing down his mug firmly and pushing back from the table. “Thanks for the tea.”

 

Howard got to his feet with him, his expression a bit pained. “Don’t be a brat,” he said firmly. “I didn’t mean anything by it. I was just saying that I know a thing or two about how your Howard probably feels and if you’re-”

 

“Just leave off, yeah?” Vince said. “I don’t have time for this right now. Howard might be trouble.”

 

“Okay,” Howard said finally, pressing his lips into a thin line. Vince knew it was a sure sign he’d pissed the other man off. The expression was so similar to ones he’d seen his own Howard give countless times, it made him uncomfortable. He didn’t like the reminder that this Howard and his might have anything in common other than their face. His Howard would never… he cut the thought off firmly. But Howard was apparently not done. He stepped towards Vince, looking determined. “But, just… maybe you should speak to him when you find him. Just ask him-”

 

“Yeah,” Vince said, interrupting him and stepping up the mirror. “See you later, Howard.” He didn’t wait for a response before reaching out and touching the mirror.

 

——-

 

He wasn’t in the flat when he landed again. He was grateful for that. The last thing he wanted was a chat with another Howard. At least not one that wanted to talk about feelings. Their feelings. It wasn’t the natural order of things.

 

He took a steading breath, willing his heart to stop pounding. He didn’t know why Howard had made him so rattled, but he was determined not to think about it too deeply. It wouldn’t help him on this mission and he had the strong impression it would only end up hurting.

 

He pushed the thoughts away and looked around. He seemed to be in some sort of deserted building. Only, when he looked closer, he noticed possessions and beer bottles scattered around the place and a ratty, stained mattress shoved into a corner.  A squat then. He wrinkled his nose at the smell and general mess and looked around for a sign of where he was.

 

He was just walking across the room when a door opened in front of him. Vince looked up and startled.

 

“What the hell?” The man who had just opened the door said slowly. It was Howard, it was obviously Howard. Only he looked different. He had shorter hair and a beard rather and his usual moustache. But there was more to it than that. He held himself completely differently, and, if the way he was clinging to the door was any indication, he was drunk. Non-Howard squinted blearily at Vince for a moment before before speaking again. “Jones?”

 

“Howard?” Vince said, confused but already knowing this wasn’t his Howard.

 

The other man frowned at him and took a couple of steps forward before stumbling into the wall. He was steaming Vince realised with some horror. He wasn’t sure that he’d ever seen Howard really drunk before. Flushed with alcohol and a bit tipsy, perhaps, but not fall down drunk. “What you doing home? I thought you’d gone to Manchester.” Howard slurred and squinted at him. “What are you wearing?”

 

Vince looked down at himself and back at Howard. He wasn’t sure what to say. Everything about the situation was weird. He should probably just turn around and leave, but he was too intrigued by a drunk Howard to do it. Besides, at least this Howard hadn’t tried it on yet, maybe he could stay for a bit.

 

Howard didn’t wait for an answer, instead wobbling over to the mattress, shedding his coat as he went and collapsing down onto it. He fumbled in his pockets for a long time, while Vince watched with a mix of horror and curiosity. He eventually produced a very battered looking packet of cigarettes and a lighter.

 

“You smoke?” Vince burst out, the endless lectures Howard had given him about the evils of smoking ringing in his ears. He’d only ever tried a couple, mostly because his friends were doing it, but Howard had always been so adamant that he not do it, that he’d mostly avoided them.

 

Howard frowned at him again. “What’s up with you?” he mumbled. “You’re being weird. I think you’re being weird. There’s two of you, but one of them is being weird. Weirder than normal.”

 

“Howard,” he said, “what the hell is going on? Why are you smoking and are you…” he stared in horror, taking in the blown pupils staring back at him. “Are you high?”

 

“Who’s Howard?” Howard asked, his brow creased. “I’m Dan,” he said. “I’ve been living with you for nearly a year, Jones. Are _you_ on something? Can I have some?”

 

Vince took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He was obviously in a very alternative universe, one where Howard wasn’t even called Howard anymore. He guessed it was bound to happen eventually, but it still made him feel uneasy. The silence had gone on a bit too long, but How- Dan didn’t seem to have noticed. He was lighting up and rummaging in the plastic bag he’d been gripping. He pulled out a bottle of amber liquid. “Drink?” he said, waving it at Vince, making it slosh against the glass.

 

Truth was, Vince could do with a drink. Besides, he was beyond curious. He’d always wondered what would happen if Howard ever let himself go enough to get this drunk.

 

He shrugged and walked across the room to join him on the mattress. Dan was already taking a long drink from the bottle. He didn’t even grimace when he was done. Vince couldn’t imagine his Howard doing that. He’d only ever seen him sip delicately at spirits and then try and pretend it didn’t burn on the way down.

 

“You look different,” Dan said, looking at him with a creased brow, holding out the bottle.

 

“I’m not Jones,” Vince said, taking the bottle from his hand and taking a drink. He tried not to shudder too obviously as he swallowed, but it tasted like petrol. “I’m his err… cousin.” He wasn’t sure why he decided to lie, but he was worried what reaction he’d get telling a drunk and high version of Howard the truth.

 

Dan continued to stare. “You look just like him,” he said slowly. “But… I’m pretty fucked, so maybe I’m just seeing him again.”

 

Vince wondered what that meant but didn’t ask. “Here, you ain’t seen another you have you?” he asked, figuring he ought to at least check. “I mean, someone who looks like you, only really uptight.”

 

Dan frowned at him, his whole face scrunching in concentration. “You mean my twin brother?” he asked after a moment.

 

Vince’s head swam for a moment, trying to take in the implications of that. His brain seemed to skitter around it, as though unwilling to allow him to look directly at it. “No,” he said. “I mean a guy called Howard.” Dan just stared at him and in the end Vince gave up. “How come you’re so pissed?” he asked instead of continuing with trying to make him understand what he meant.

 

“The idiots,” Dan said with a shake of his head. “I can’t stop them from winning… they just…” He gesticulated with the bottle. He looked pained for a  moment, caught between anger and upset before shaking his head and blinking like he’d lost his train of thought. He took another long drink from the bottle. “Fucking Nathan said I had to wear the costume again on his stupid show. I punched him but the contract…” he trailed off and stared at his cigarette furiously. “I should have pushed him out of that window instead of jumping.”

 

Vince could barely make out the words let alone discern their meaning but he thought he recognised the tone of voice. It wasn’t so different to how Howard had sounded after he came back from Denmark. It was a sort of hopeless fury. The sort that eventually turned in on itself. For Howard that meant Chinese burns and writing terrible poetry. He wondered what it meant for Dan. Drinking and drugs, he guessed. The thought made him feel a bit queasy. He knew from experience that if someone wasn’t there to pull Howard out of this mood it would only get worse and worse.

 

He used to be an expert at pulling Howard out of his moods. It was the talent he was most proud of. Somewhere along the line he seemed to have lost the knack for it, though. Now Howard was as likely to scowl and storm from the room when Vince tried to cheer him up as give him a reluctant smile.

 

“Cheer up, Dan,” he said eventually for lack of anything better to say. “It ain’t that bad really.”

 

Dan huffed a mirthless laugh and stubbed out his cigarette on the floor. “No, it’s much worse than that.” He reached forward, groping for where he’d thrown his packet of cigarettes. He leant his weight heavily against Vince for a moment when he finally reached them. He pulled one out and stared blankly at it for a moment. “What’s the point?”

 

“In smoking?” Vince said, nudging his shoulder and grinning. “It’s about looking cool, yeah? Like James Dean or something.”

 

Dan turned his head to look at him. He stared for a moment, like he wasn’t sure if Vince was joking or not.

 

“Why’d you do it then?” Vince asked when the silence had gone on for a long time. Dan was still looking at him intently, like he hadn’t heard Vince speak.

 

It made Vince feel a bit strange. Howard was never this close to him usually, and certainly didn’t hold eye contact for this long. There was something very intense in Dan’s look. Vince swallowed heavily but found it impossible to look away. Suddenly Dan blinked rapidly as though coming out of a trance and looked back down at his hands. Vince’s heart was beating strangely in his chest, both because of the odd look but also because of the expression as he’d looked away. It reminded him again of Howard, but from years ago. Back when he was young and a bit more open. Back then Howard was full of odd ticks, all spiky movement and soft lips. He’d blinked a lot back then, when he was nervous or unsure. It was jarring to see the expression again.

 

“Where’s Jones?” Dan said suddenly, looking around as though only just releasing that Jones wasn’t there. “I want… where is he?”

 

Vince shrugged. “You said he was in Manchester. What do you want him for?” Vince was suddenly afraid that this was leading to more sex stuff, but Dan looked more agitated than horny.

 

“I need… He helps me sleep,” he said softly in the end, looking young and sad. Vince’s heart constricted. “I can’t sleep without him playing his stupid music.”

 

Vince couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah? What’s he play?”

 

Dan shrugged. “Just…” his waved his hand vaguely. “Just noise, but it makes it quieter, up here.” He tapped the side of his head, and Vince watched ash fall from his cigarette onto his t-shirt. It was rumpled and falling apart, but it still made Vince cringe to see clothes treated so badly.

 

He watched Dan closely, wondering what had happened to him over the years. How he’d managed to turn out so differently to his Howard. “You and Jones… have you been friends long?”

 

“We’re not friends,” Dan said immediately, seeming agitated at the very idea. “He’s just… He’s just _here_.”

 

Vince felt an almost physical jolt at the thought. A universe where he and Howard weren’t even friends? He looked at Dan hard. “You don’t like him then?”

 

Dan shrugged and took another drink. “He’s…” he looked lost for a moment. “He’s fine. He doesn’t make me want to bash my brains out as much as other people.”

 

He almost smiled at that. It was the sort of dramatic thing Howard might have said at school. Before Vince wore him down and they became friends. Maybe that’s why Dan was like this. He didn’t have his Vince (Jones) to mellow him out yet. He wondered if Jones knew how much Dan needed him… even if it was just to sleep at the moment.

 

“You look like him,” Dan said again, staring at Vince through red-rimmed eyes.

 

Vince again felt a pang of something in his chest; he’d always hated seeing Howard upset. For all that he enjoyed teasing him, when it came to it, he couldn’t bear to see him truly upset. It was why it always seemed to be Vince that broke first and apologised when they argued. However angry he got, he just didn’t have it in him to really hurt Howard. Not on purpose.

 

“It’s alright Dan,” he said, reaching out to clap him on the back. He paused when he’d made contact, waiting for the inevitable ‘Don’t touch me.’ But it didn’t come. Dan just stared ahead blankly.

 

Vince didn’t move his hand, enjoying the warmth seeping through his ratty t-shirt. He’d never been able to just enjoy the feeling of touching Howard. When they were younger it hadn’t been so bad. Howard used to let him hug him back then. When Vince was sad Howard would let him snuggle up to him. It was probably the safest Vince had ever felt. He wasn’t sure when or why Howard changed so drastically. But the memory of it still stung. He’d tested out touching Howard many times over the subsequent years. He’d always kind of been waiting for Howard to change his mind back, to be allowed back into his personal space. It had never happened, but it chipped away at him. The rejection stung every time, no matter how many times it happened.

 

He sighed and gently ran his hand down Dan’s back, he was aiming for soothing, but wasn’t really sure if he was doing it right. He hadn’t had much practice. It had always tended to be the other way around when they’d been little. Howard had been the protector. It was nice; he’d always liked how broad Howard was, even when he was younger and all sharp angles, his back was always much wider than Vince’s. He’d loved how big Howard was compared to him. He’d liked being able to hide behind him, when the bullies came for them.

 

Dan turned to look at him, fixing him with a stare. Vine froze. He’d never seen that expression on Howard’s face before. It was focused and intent. He felt unable to move, trapped by Dan’s gaze. He should have been prepared for it when it happened, but he wasn’t. Dan leant forward and pressed his lips to Vince’s. It was more of a smooshing of lips than a real kiss. Vince could taste the smoke and alcohol already, but he didn’t pull back this time.

 

Dan pulled back and looked at him. “We should have sex,” he said, his voice low.

 

Vince’s insides twisted, heat pooling low in his belly at the tone. “You and Jones do that?” he asked instead of nodding, like his body wanted him to. It was an odd impulse, he’d like to have blamed the alcohol, but more likely it was the memories of Howard and his first confused feelings of arousal as they’d squished together in Howard’s bed that did it. He pushed down hard on the impulse.

 

Dan was shaking his head. “No,” he said. “Jones is too good for… He’s not… I don’t really…” He ran a shaking hand through his hair and let out a breath.

 

Vince nodded as though he understood what he meant. “Maybe you should ask him.”

 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he said softly. “He doesn’t need to be messed up in all my shit.”

 

“Perhaps he wants to be,” Vince suggested. He had no idea, but he couldn’t believe there as a version of himself that wouldn’t. Not really. “I bet he’d be up for a shag at least,” he added firmly. That much he was sure of. This version of Howard was gorgeous, in a disheveled disaster sort of way.

 

“I just want to sleep,” Dan said suddenly. He looked up at Vince sadly, his eyes a bit misty from the alcohol and Vince’s heart melted. Which was ridiculous. The man was a mess but he couldn’t resist those puppy-dog eyes. He never had been able to.

 

“Come on then,” he said, holding out his arms. “Lie down and close your eyes.”

 

Dan stared balefully at him for a moment before complying, his head pillowed on Vince’s lap. He was surprised by his easy compliance and wondered if it was the booze or just that this version didn’t mind contact so much. Vince’s hand automatically went to his hair. He let his fingers run through it gently, something Howard had sometimes done for him when he was ill. It felt nice to be on the other side of it. Dan’s hair was a bit greasy, but not so different to how Howard’s probably would. Dan was snoring in a matter of moments. Vince looked down at him for a long time, wondering if he’d remember any of this in the morning. Probably not.

 

He looked around the room before stretching out his hand to pull Dan’s coat toward him across the floor from where he’d dropped it before collapsing onto the mattress. He fumbled with it, searching in the pockets but not wanting to jostle the other man awake. He eventually pulled out a beaten up phone. He unlocked it and scrolled through the contacts until he found what he was looking for. He paused, thinking hard before typing out a short message and hitting send. He should probably feel guilty for meddling but he didn’t. He looked at the message and wondered if he’d judged it right:

 

_I’m sorry, come home. I miss you and I can’t sleep without you here._

 

He’d considered adding a kiss but he suspected that Dan wasn’t the sort of guy that put kisses on the end of his texts. He wasn’t sure why he was even doing it. But the idea of a universe where him and Howard weren’t even really friends made him feel strange. The least he could do for the other version of him was to help nudge Dan in the right direction.

 

He waited for a moment, his hand still running over Dan’s head gently. He wasn’t surprised when the phone buzzed almost immediately, like perhaps Jones had been hoping to receive just such a text.

_R u high?_

 

Vince grinned. Jones wasn’t an idiot then. It made him oddly proud. He typed out a text quickly in reply. _Yes. But I still mean it. Come home. Please._

 

_Dan, u betta nt b takin the piss_

 

Vince grinned and wondered what would make him come back if it were him and Howard. He typed the next reply more slowly.

_I’m not. I miss your music. I can’t sleep without you here_

He waited impatiently for the response, he imagined Jones glaring suspiciously at his own phone, wondering what had happened to make Dan reach out suddenly. Dan’s phone buzzed a few moments later.

 

_Fine. But u betta not b messing arund_

Vince grinned to himself and wriggled out from under Dan gently. He placed the phone down carefully next to his head so he’d be sure to see it when he woke up, before turning and walking back over to the mirror. He wondered about waiting to see what would happen, but suspected that neither of them would appreciate an audience. He reached out and placed his hand on the mirror without looking back.

 

——

 

After that he didn’t stay long in the universes he landed in. He paused just long enough to check they didn’t have any spare Howards and to refuse the offer of getting the resident Naboo to do some digging into what was happening. He also continued to encounter only versions of them that were a couple.

 

He wondered about that. It seemed strange, surely there must be other versions. Ones where they’d never met or had hated each other. Or ones where England had been blown up or invaded by pirates. But all he found were Howards and Vinces that couldn’t seem to keep their hands off each other. He didn’t want to think about it; it made him feel anxious.

 

Eventually he had to stop to eat. He was exhausted and starting to feel a bit desperate. He hadn’t imagined that it would be this hard. He’d always found Howard easily enough before. But as the hours ticked by he started to think that maybe it might take some time to find him.

 

In the end he agreed to stay the night with a Howard and Vince that were still living at the zoo. They’d taken it over together, somehow having managed to get rid of both Fossil and Bainbridge. They seemed to have a pretty sweet life. It made Vince somehow more tired to see them going about his and Howard's old routine, only now Howard would drop a kiss onto Vince’s head once they’d done their rounds and Vince would take Howard’s hand in his as they stopped by Naboo’s hut for a chat.

 

He crawled into the bunk Howard had made up for him feeling sad and a bit wistful; he missed the zoo terribly sometimes. He stared blankly up at a picture of some crusty looking jazz musician and tried to will his body to relax so he could sleep, but everything felt too weird; he suspected the bunk might have been Howard’s before he started sharing with Vince, somehow that made him miss his own Howard.

 

He pulled the covers up to his chin and hugged them to his chest. It felt like years since he’d woken up to find Howard gone. He closed his eyes and reached up to grip his necklace, tightly.

 

“Howard,” Vince whispered softly into the dark, wishing hard that he was with him. “Howard, where are you?”

 

“Vince?”

 

Vince’s eyes snapped open and he sat up to stare wildly around the room. It was as empty as when he’d closed his eyes. “Howard?” he said again, dropping his hand from the necklace. There was silence. His heart was beating wildly. Surely he couldn’t have imagined it. He’d heard his voice. He knew it. Slowly, he brought his hand back up and gripped the necklace again. “Howard?” he said.

 

“Vince?”

 

His heart leapt. He looked around again, but it seemed clear that the voice was just in his head, rather than in the room with him. “Howard, can you hear me? Are you okay?”

 

“Oh thank goodness,” Howard sounded relieved, but then coughed as though embarrassed at the show of emotion. “I mean… I’m fine, don’t worry about me. I’m more than capable of taking care of myself. Where are you?”

 

Vince let out a slow breath, relief flooding through him. He’d never let himself believe that anything bad had actually happened to Howard. Not since he’d found out about the other universes. But the terror from when Naboo had announced Howard was dead still lingered as a vague feeling of unease. He wasn’t sure he could have bared to do all of this only to find something actually had happened to Howard after all. He wasn’t sure he’d ever been so pleased to hear someone’s voice before. He smiled and gripped the pendant tightly.  “I’m not sure you’d believe me if I told you,” he said. “But, I’m coming to find you.”

 

There was a long silence. “Yeah?” Howard asked, his voice small. “That’s good, because… err, I’m not sure exactly how to get out.”

 

“Yeah,” Vince said again. “Sorry it’s taking me so long. Do you know where you are?”

 

“I don’t know,” Howard said. “One minute I was in the shop and the next I woke up in this room.”

 

“What room?” he asked. Not that it would help him get to it faster, but at least he’d know what he was looking for.

 

“I don’t know,” Howard said. “There aren’t any windows and the door’s locked. But I think...”

 

“What? What is it?” Vince snapped, fear slowly trickling down his spine at Howard’s tone.

 

“It’s nothing,” Howard said, slowly. “I have plenty of food and water here. But, it’s just… I think there’s something outside.”

 

“What do you mean? What is it?” Vince could tell that Howard was worried, there was a telltale tension to his voice when he spoke.

 

“I don’t know, it sounds a bit like a bear, or maybe a big cat.” Howard tried to chuckle. “It’s a bit like being back at the zoo. I’m sure it’s fine, but I think it knows I’m here.”

 

Vince swallowed heavily. “Could it get in?” he asked, trying to think of a way to speed up getting to Howard.

 

“The door’s pretty sturdy,” Howard said. “I’m sure it’ll be fine, little man, don’t worry about me.”

 

Vince sighed and rubbed his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

 

“What for?” Howard asked.

 

“Shouting at you,” he said. “You know, before. I was just upset. I didn’t mean for this to happen. But I’m fixing it. I’m coming to find you. It’s just taking ages and ages, and I keep meeting all these different versions of us, and it’s all strange and weird and I want to go home.” Once he’d started talking he couldn’t seem to stop. He hadn’t realised how much he was missing his Howard until he heard him again. It made his heart ache. “But, I won’t, not till I find you and bring you home.”

 

“I don’t…” Howard started. Vince imagined his little eyes all scrunched up in confusion. It made him smile a bit weakly. “What does any of that mean?”

 

“Naboo says you’re in an alternative universe or something,” he explained, closing his eyes, trying to imagine they were in the same room. “I’m trying to find you, but we don’t know which one you’re in. There’s all these other versions of us. It’s well weird.”

 

“More than one Vince?” Howard said, amusement clear in his voice. “That I would like to see.”

 

“They don’t seem to like me all that much,” he admitted. “The Howards do, though.” He grinned, even as his face heated at the admission, but it wasn’t like Howard was there to see it.

 

Howard let out a huff of breath. “I’m sure,” he said. Vince wondered what he meant, but didn’t ask. “How are we talking now?”

 

Vince shrugged even though Howard couldn’t see him. “It’s this necklace, it’s magic and I ain’t been able to figure out all of its powers yet. But, it seems like we can hear each other when I’m holding it.”

 

“Oh,” Howard said. “Well, that’s good at least.”

 

There was a long silence, where Vince kept his eyes closed and tried to imagine where Howard might be. He thought about everything he’d seen since they’d been apart and sighed softly to himself. Those other versions of them had seemed so happy together that it made him confused about why they couldn’t have that in their own universe. Or, something a bit like it. Obviously without the bumming. “Howard,” he said, feeling anxious but determined. “Why ain’t you coming to my party?”

 

There was a long silence. “Does that really matter right now, Vince?”

 

He could hear the note of tension in Howard’s voice. But he wasn’t going to back down. Having seen all those other thems, apparently happy and not at each others’ throats, made him feel inadequate. “I think it does. It matters to me.”

 

Howard sighed. “I just… I thought you’d have a better time without me there. It was… I don’t know. I didn't think you would mind. I never meant to upset you.”

 

Vince nodded to himself. “Somehow I thought you might say that,” he said. He lay in the dark, imagining the other Howard and Vince lying happily in each others’ arms just a few feet away. “I won’t, you know,” he forced himself to whisper.

 

“What?” Howard said immediately.

 

“I never have more fun when you’re not there. I ain’t since we first met.” He closed his eyes and gripped the necklace tightly. He could feel the metal digging into his palm.

 

“Oh,” Howard said after a pause that must have gone on for several years. “Erm, thank you. I, erm… I feel the same.”

 

Vince smiled. “That’s good.”

 

“Maybe…” Howard said. “Maybe when I’m back… Maybe we should spend more time, you know, together.”

 

Vince let out a slow breath, feeling himself relax into the bunk. “I’d like that.”

 

“Are you going to sleep?” Howard said, suddenly. His voice was soft, it felt like something from years ago, back when they were still at their own zoo, when they’d sleep over in the keepers’ hut sometimes.

 

“Yeah,” he whispered. “Sorry.”

 

“It’s alright, Vince. Get some sleep.”

 

“Howard?” he said, softly.

 

“Yes, Vince?”

 

“How’d you know I was falling asleep?” he asked.

 

“I can always tell when you’re about to fall asleep. You go all small.”

 

Vince’s heart seemed to fill and grow three times its normal size. He grinned into his pillow. “Night Howard. I’ll see you soon.”

 

“Night, Vince. See you tomorrow.”

 

Vince fell asleep, still clinging to his necklace.

 

**TBC**


	3. Chapter three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I have missed you, my soul’s delight,” Thyme murmured gently. “I see you have found a friend in the woods.”
> 
>  
> 
> To Vince’s great surprise, there was no note of jealousy or concern in the other man’s voice. “You don’t mind me being here?” he asked.
> 
>  
> 
> Thyme looked at him for a long moment. “Why would I mind?” he asked, seeming genuinely bemused.
> 
>  
> 
> “I’ve just…” Vince started, not really sure how to explain. “I’m traveling and I’ve met quite a few different versions of us and we don’t tend to like sharing Howard.”
> 
>  
> 
> Thyme drifted across the room, dropping a kiss on Howard’s nose before he went and sat at the table. “Then it is good that I am not Vince,” he said. “And this is not Howard.”

**Chapter three**

 

He woke with a start the next morning. He sat up and immediately left his little hut, determined to start looking for Howard as quickly as possible. “Howard?” he said, grabbing hold of his necklace tightly.

 

“Vince?” Howard said almost straight away.

 

“Is that animal still outside?” he asked, as he walked through the zoo. He’d woken feeling a bit panicked about what might be happening to Howard without him there to look out for him.

 

“Yes,” Howard said, his voice carefully neutral. “But it isn’t doing anything, just moving around outside.”

 

Vince swallowed heavily, relaxing a bit at the reassurance of Howard’s safety. “Okay, I’m coming to find you,” he said. “Just hold on okay?”

 

“Okay,” Howard said. “Erm… thank you.”

 

Vince had considered waking up the other Howard and Vince but decided against it. He didn’t much fancy walking in on them in bed together. Instead he strode straight back to the mirror and reached out to touch it. He was used to the feeling now and hardly stumbled when he landed.

 

He looked around in confusion. “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me,” he sighed. He was in a clearing of a wood, he could hear the sound of birds in the trees above him and insects in the grass at his feet. And, across the clearing from him, stood Howard. His hair was soft and flowing, a wreath of flowers on his head.

 

“Welcome friend,” Howard said, spreading his arms wide, making his white robes billow softly in the gentle breeze. “I know your face.”

 

Vince looked around nervously. “Howard,” he said. “You been at the yeti potion again? Are we about to be raped by hairy freaks?”

 

Howard frowned deeply. “Howard…” he repeated slowly. “I remember that name.”

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Vince said. “I know this bit, but you need to tell me if you’ve drunk something from the yetis. We might be in danger.”

 

Howard shook his head. “There is no danger here. We drink only the natural juices of the forest, harvested by our own hands. Will you join us as we break our morning fast?”

 

Vince’s stomach grumbled as if on cue. He wanted to get on and find Howard, but he supposed it wouldn't hurt to stay for a little bit. “Yeah, alright,” he said with shrug. “But, first, have you seen another you around here recently?” He realised immediately his question was probably futile.

 

“I see myself in all things,” Howard said. “In the falling of summer rain and babbling of the brook. In the blossoming of the flowers and lushness of the grass.”

 

“Right,” Vince said. “But, like, I meant a real you. Another person, he’ll have looked just like you, only much more uptight.”

 

“I know not of what you talk, pretty man,” he said. “But your eyes are very pleasing and I like the sound of your voice. It reminds me of my heart’s joy.”

 

Vince could feel himself blushing. “Alright, leave off,” he said. “None of that. Where we eating?”

 

“Come,” Howard said gesturing for Vince to follow him.

 

They made their way through the woods, Howard seemed to know where they were going and Vince found himself starting to relax. It was nice to be out of the city. He missed the countryside sometimes. Him and Howard used to take day trips all the time, before… Maybe he could ask him if they could go when he was back.

 

Eventually, they found themselves in a clearing and Vince blinked. They were at that stupid cabin Howard had rented for them. It made him feel uneasy, but Howard had promised there were no yetis, so he followed him inside.

 

It was still just a little shack, but Howard had obviously been there for awhile. He’d put up tie-dyed curtains and there was strange, psychedelic art on the walls. “Nice,” he said.

 

“Thank you,” Howard said with a little incline of his head. “My heart’s joy has made our home almost as beautiful as he is.”

 

Vince realised with a jolt that he was probably talking about another Vince. It made him blush again which was ridiculous. He should have been used to the idea, should have expected it even, but he found himself surprised yet again. He wanted to make a joke, but it was probably pointless with this Howard. “What we eating?” he asked instead.

 

“I have fresh bread and honey,” Howard said. “Sit, I will prepare it for us.”

 

“Where’s your Vince?” he asked as Howard bustled about setting the table for them.

 

Howard paused, his brow creased. “You mean Thyme?” he asked eventually. “He used to be called by that other name, just as I was called… Howard.”

 

Vince nodded and tried not to roll his eyes too obviously. “Sure,” he said. “Where is he? Won’t he be annoyed if we don’t wait for him?”

 

“Why would he mind? He is no doubt communing with the animals of the forest, he finds great joy there and I would not cut that short. Besides, I shall prepare food for him when he returns.” Howard sounded so serene, so certain of how Other Vince would react, that Vince felt almost annoyed at him. He was sure that neither he nor his Howard would be sure how the other might react to most things these days. Before, it was different. When they were at the zoo, he always knew which buttons to press to get a certain reactions and he was sure Howard felt the same. He wondered what had gotten in the way of that.

 

Howard finally joined him, sitting down on the opposite side of the table when it was full of various types of food. He immediately reached out to take Vince’s hand. “We should give thanks,” he said, gripping Vince’s hand gently in his own.

 

Vince froze, not sure how to react. He barely heard what Howard was saying, his voice washing over him as he talked about what they were about to eat. He couldn’t think beyond how his hand felt clasped in Howard’s much bigger one. He remembered all the times he’d tried to reach out to his Howard and been rebuffed.

 

Finally Howard looked up and smiled warmly at him. “Please,” he said. “Eat.”

 

Vince began filling his plate, not looking up. He took a deep breath before forcing himself to speak. “Why’re you here, Howard?” he asked. “Why’d you leave London and move here with… Thyme?”

 

“We have been here many years,” Howard replied. “It is as it should have always been and will always now be.”

 

“Yeah, whatever,” he huffed. “I mean, do you remember what it was like before you came here? When you were called Howard?”

 

“I remember, yes,” Howard said slowly, as though struggling to grasp at the memories. “He was… Bunched up so tightly he could be barely function. All those rules he’d made for himself. So much shame and fear. It was like being trapped in a prison.”

 

Vince frowned, leaning forward. “Like what?” He suspected this was a major intrusion of privacy, but he wasn’t about to take back the question.

 

“So many,” Howard said with a smile. “Like his feelings for Thyme. He had made them shameful. As though love could ever be that.”

 

He felt a bit like he might have missed a step going down the stairs. “And what about Thyme?” he asked, almost afraid of the answer. “Had he made himself those rules too?”

 

Howard laughed. It was a light sound, so unlike his own Howard’s laugh that it startled Vince. “No, he hadn’t built his prison out of self-imposed rules,” he said slowly. “That was not his way.”

 

“What was his way, then?” Vince asked, leaning further forward, his plate of food entirely forgotten.

 

“Denial and fear,” a new voice said from behind Vince.

 

He jumped violently and turned in his seat. He shouldn’t have been surprised to find his own face staring serenely back at him. But he was. Other Vince was even wearing his hair in bunches.

 

“My heart’s joy!” Howard beamed, leaping up from the table and hurrying across the room. “You are back early.”

 

Other Vince - Thyme - smiled delightedly at the other man. He threw open his arms and they kissed hungrily. Vince looked away, focusing hard on his plate and making himself eat. He peeked over his shoulder once the noises had stopped, to find the two men resting their foreheads together, eyes closed with peaceful expressions on their faces.

 

“I have missed you, my soul’s delight,” Thyme murmured gently. “I see you have found a friend in the woods.”

 

To Vince’s great surprise, there was no note of jealousy or concern in the other man’s voice. “You don’t mind me being here?” he asked.

 

Thyme looked at him for a long moment. “Why would I mind?” he asked, seeming genuinely bemused.

 

“I’ve just…” Vince started, not really sure how to explain. “I’m traveling and I’ve met quite a few different versions of us and we don’t tend to like sharing Howard.”

 

Thyme drifted across the room, dropping a kiss on Howard’s nose before he went and sat at the table. “Then it is good that I am not Vince,” he said. “And this is not Howard.”

 

“Yeah,” Vince said. “Only, that ain’t really true is it?”

 

Thyme smiled at him. “Vince would have minded,” he said, as though he hadn’t heard the jab. “Vince was always so scared. Terrified to look inwards. Terrified that he wasn’t good enough. Terrified that he would be forgotten the moment he left the room. It was…” he paused, closing his eyes. Vince held his breath, knowing what the other man was going to say before he spoke. “Exhausting.”

 

“Yeah,” he said, looking down at his plate again. “And now?”

 

“Once I was able to open myself up and accept who I was and what I wanted…” Thyme shrugged. “I was happy. Parsley was waiting and we came here.”

 

“Here, my love,” Howard - Parsley - said as he arrived back at the table and placed down a plate of food in front of Thyme.

 

Vince didn’t know what to say. There were a lot questions swimming around in his head, but he didn’t want to look at them too closely. So he concentrated on his food instead, which he had to admit was delicious. They ate in companionable silence. Vince could hear the sound of the forest outside but it sounded peaceful rather than ominous like when they’d been here in his own universe.

 

“Thanks for the food,” he said, once he was done, pushing back from the table. “It was great. But, I have to keep going. I need to find Howard and I’ve already been here longer than I should.”

 

Parsley nodded and stood up. “Of course, I shall take you back from whence we came.”

 

“Nice to meet you,” Vince said, nodding at Thyme.

 

The other man stood too, opening his arms to Vince. He froze for a moment, but figured there was no harm in accepting a hug from himself so walked around the table and into his arms. Thyme’s grip was surprisingly tight. “I know you are scared,” he whispered into Vince’s ear. “But you need to let it go. Look into your heart. Really look at what has made it so cold and then…” he trailed off and Vince turned his head to meet the other man’s eyes.

 

“What?” he whispered, unsure why he’d dropped his voice so low, but he couldn’t seem to make it any louder.

 

Thyme smiled at him. “Tell him,” he said.

 

Vince pulled back from the hug. He wanted to demand an explanation, but he didn’t dare. “Right,” he said instead. “I, err… Sure. See you around.”

 

Thyme just nodded at him with a smile. Vince stumbled away from him and out of the cabin. He waited outside the door while the other two men said their goodbyes. He didn’t much fancy seeing another PDA that morning. He looked up as Parsley came out of the door to join him on the porch. They didn’t speak as they made their way back through the forest. Vince was trying very hard not to even think. He didn’t like what Thyme has said to him. It made him scared, his heart was still beating a bit erratically and he didn’t think it would do him much good to dig into the reasons why. They reached the mirror quickly, and Vince felt relief wash over him.

 

“Goodbye, friend,” Parsley said, bowing his head. “It was a great honour to have met you.”

 

“Cheers, Parsley,” Vince said, stepping up the mirror with his hand outstretched. He paused. “Why did you come here?” he asked quickly, the words tumbling out of him in a rush.

 

Parsley smiled again. “To be together.”

 

“Yeah,” Vince said. “Of course.” He turned back and touched the mirror again.

 

\-----

 

He knew something was wrong the moment he looked around when he landed again. The colours of this universe were all wrong: dull and a bit lifeless. He was in the living room of a small flat, he could see a kitchen at one end and into a messy bedroom at the other. He took a quick breath before reaching up to hold his necklace. “Howard?” he asked.

 

“Yes Vince?” The reply was almost instantaneous and it made Vince grin.

 

“What do you reckon to a day trip when you’re back?” he asked, looking around this new universe. There wasn’t all that much to see. It reminded him a bit of Dan’s squat; it had a similar depressing vibe to it.

 

“Where to?” Howard didn’t sound adverse to the idea. Vince felt a bit peeved with himself. Was this really all it would have taken? Just a polite request for them to hang out together? Surely there was more to it than that. He hadn’t imagined Howard pulling back had he?

 

“I don’t know,” he said instead of voicing any of his inner turmoil. “Maybe just out of London? Into the countryside or something?”

 

“Okay,” Howard said slowly. “If that’s what you’d like to do.”

 

“Yeah,” Vince said, still feeling a bit unsure about what was happening between them and why. “Yeah, I’d like that.” He was just formulating another question when he heard the unmistakable sound of a key being placed into the door of the flat. He froze and whispered. “I’ve got to go, Howard, but I’m coming soon, I promise.”

 

“Okay. See you,” Howard said, before Vince dropped his hand from the necklace and tried to brace himself for whatever was about to come through the door.

 

There was a pause where the door seemed to get stuck and whoever was on the other side had to shove hard at the wood. A figure almost fell through the opening before looking up and freezing.

 

“What the fuck?” Another Vince was standing in the still open doorway, holding a little plastic bag of food shopping.

 

Vince gaped at him. He looked all wrong; his clothes were baggy, like the ones he used to wear at the zoo, but he obviously hadn’t changed his style after losing a lot of weight. His hair was shaggy and unkempt around his face, which was pale and completely lacking in any makeup. All of which only made it look more like he might not have slept in several months. But it wasn’t any of that which made him look so strange. It was his eyes. They were so… lifeless, sunken into his head and dull looking. None of the spark that had caught the attention of so many men and women across Camden.

 

“Who the fuck are you?” Other Vince demanded. He looked terrified, his eyes huge and panicked in the dingey light of the flat.

 

“I’m you,” Vince said, unable to look away. He felt vaguely horrified. This universe was terrible, he could tell already. “I came through there.” He gestured absently behind himself.

 

“I’m calling the police,” Other Vince said, patting his pockets frantically and pulling out a phone.

 

“What do you mean, you tit?” Vince huffed. “I’m you, just look at me. I ain’t gonna do nothing. I’m just looking for Howard.”

 

Other Vince’s eyes snapped up. “What?” he said sharply, stopping from where he’d been jabbing at his phone. “Who the fuck are you and what do you know about Howard?”

 

Vince gritted his teeth. None of the Howards or Vinces he’d met so far had had any trouble believing him. “I told you, and Howard’s my best friend. Only I lost him and I’m using this mirror to try and find him.”

 

“Is this some sort of sick joke?” Other Vince’s eyes were suddenly shining, but behind that was a look of pure rage. “Get out or swear to God I will kill you.”

 

Vince took a step back at the fury in the other man’s voice. “Look,” he said, holding his hands up, “I really don’t mean nothing by this. I came through that mirror and I just wanted to find my friend. Have you seen him?”

 

Other Vince scowled at him. “Seen who?”

 

“Howard,” Vince said. “Surely you know-”

 

“You’re asking if I seen Howard?” Other Vince cut in.

 

“Yes,” Vince snapped, starting to feel frustrated. “You know, tall, angry, Northern bloke? Has a stupid moustache?”

 

Other Vince glared furiously at him. “Yes, I know who Howard is. But, since he’s been dead for over a year, I’m going to have to go with no, I haven’t seen him.”

 

——-

 

Vince's first instinct upon hearing that the Howard in this universe was dead was to turn right around and leave again. But he wasn’t a coward, despite what he kept being told everywhere he went. Besides, the look of utter hopelessness on Other Vince’s face made him hold still.

 

It took some careful explaining, but eventually he managed to convince the other man of his story. Vince sat gingerly on the ratty sofa while Other Vince made them some tea before coming to join him. They sat in silence of a long time.

 

“What happened?” Vince burst out when he couldn’t hold it in any more.

 

Other Vince sighed and looked down at his mug for a long time before he spoke. Vince held his breath trying to still his leg from shaking like it kept trying to. “I knew Gregg was trouble from the moment Howard met him,” he said slowly. “There was just something off about him. The way he hung around Howard all the time; it was weird. I knew that but…” He trailed off and Vince let him be, he wasn’t sure he wanted any of the details, especially if Old Gregg was involved. “It was my fault. I should have stopped him going. But it was just one date, you know? Then after that he said he was going to finish it with him… He said Gregg was too intense and weird.” Vince realised with a jolt that the other man was crying silently. It was like he didn’t even realise he was doing it. “But, I shouldn’t have let him go at all.”

 

“You wouldn’t have been able to stop him,” Vince said, reaching out and touching the other man’s arm. His heart was beating wildly in his chest. He suddenly remembered Howard’s birthday party, and his friend’s cry of fear that had sent Vince and Naboo scurrying to his room, with startling clarity. Old Gregg had been looming over Howard, brandishing a knife and babbling about a wedding. At the time Vince hadn’t let himself think about what might have happened had he taken up his date’s offer of getting some food and heading back to hers for an after party. But he suddenly felt cold and sick with terror at the thought. He swallowed heavily and forced down the panic. “I know my Howard and if he were determined to go on a date with someone, there’s nothing I could do to stop him.”

 

“I could have told him how I felt,” Other Vince said, his voice bitter. “I always meant to tell him, you know? I was always gonna tell him how I felt about him. But, I was just… scared.”

 

Vince was sick of hearing that word. He’d never thought of himself as anything other than a fearless punk. But he was starting to wonder just how much of that was because of Howard. Maybe it was having the other man at his side that made him feel so ready to take on the world. It made sense, because since he’d started not having him around so much, he found himself unsure, worried about what he ought to do next. He was hanging around with virtual strangers and constantly adrift, unsure if he was even having a good time, but desperate not to be found out to be anything less than the coolest of the cool.

 

“I’d decided to tell him,” Other Vince continued, wiping furiously at his cheeks to brush away the tears. “Once he got back from seeing Gregg. Only,” his voice wavered and Vince watched as he gripped his mug so tightly his knuckles turned white. “Only, he never came back. Gregg took him somewhere. It was weeks before we found the body.”

 

“But…” Vince said, his stomach churning alarmingly at what he was hearing. “What about Naboo?”

 

“Naboo?” Other Vince said, frowning in apparent confusion.

 

“Yeah, couldn’t he and Bollo have helped you find Howard? Or, like, gone and got him from Monkey Hell or wherever he ended up?” His voice had taken on a bit of an hysterical tinge to it, he could tell, but fear was trickling up his spine and he didn’t like it at all.

 

“What are you on about?” Other Vince asked. “What would my landlord and his dog have done exactly? Naboo is pretty big time, but he ain’t got that sort of power, and I don’t think Bollo’s the right sort of dog for tracking people. Besides, the police said it was pretty quick, in the end.” Other Vince looked away, out of the window on the other side of the room. But Vince could tell he wasn’t seeing the view. Other Vince swallowed heavily. “They reckon Gregg didn’t really know what he was doing. He was sick, talking all this nonsense about him and Howard being together forever.”

 

It was with a slow dawning horror that Vince realised what world he was in. It was the same one other people seemed to talk about from time to time. Were nothing magical ever happened. Where animals really couldn't talk and you had to pay taxes. And, when you died, you stayed that way. He felt cold and sick with horror. Vince realised he was crying and wiped at his cheeks. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

 

Other Vince sniffed loudly. “I just keep thinking, what if I’d have said something? What if I’d just told him that I didn’t want him to go on that stupid date? But, I was so caught up worrying about my own feelings and what it meant that I just let him.” He shook his head, a bitter, twisted smile playing across his lips. “I think sometimes, you know, that he was just doing it to get my attention. He’d do that sometimes. Try to make other friends or get a new job, almost like he was testing what I’d do. Seeing if I’d say something, or just make up another lame excuse for why I was following him or tagging along with his new friend.”

 

“I don’t know what to say,” he whispered in the end. He couldn’t seem to wrap his head around the idea that there was a world without Howard in it. A world where a version of himself was expected to get up each day knowing that he wasn’t ever going to see Howard again.

 

Other Vince shrugged. “There’s nothing to say. It’s been a year and I still can’t… I still keep thinking someone's going to tell me there’s been some sort of terrible mistake and Howard will just have been really badly hurt. Like, he’ll have been in a coma and once I get to his bedside he’ll magically wake up. But… it never seems to happen…. I’m just here and it goes on and on and it never ends.”

 

Vince wondered if he was actually going to throw up. He gripped his tea but his stomach clenched painfully at the thought of taking even a little sip of liquid.

 

“Where you’re from,” Other Vince said suddenly, “Howard’s still alive?”

 

Vince could only nod, feeling almost guilty at the admission. “I mean… he’s missing right now,” he felt terrified even admitting that much. “But, I know he’s okay, I just need to find him.”

 

Other Vince nodded. “And, have you told him?”

 

“Told him what?” Vince asked, swallowing nervously.

 

“That you love him,” Other Vince said. He looked up and met Vince’s eyes for the first time since they sat down. There was such deep anguish reflected back at him in the other man’s eyes that made it difficult to look directly at him. But, Vince forced himself not to look away.

 

“I don’t-” he started automatically. “I mean I used to fancy him, but he ain’t like that and I moved on, so…”

 

“Don’t,” Other Vince said, reaching out suddenly and gripping Vince’s hand tightly. “Don’t do that. That’s what I did. I pretended all sorts of shit because I was scared I’d lose him if I said how I really felt. But then… if anything happened, if you really lost him and you didn’t try... Don’t do that.”

 

Vince swallowed down the terror rising in his throat and forced himself to nod. He didn’t know how to explain that this Vince didn’t really understand his world. He didn’t understand what his Howard was like, what their relationship was like. The look of fear and hopeless sadness on his own face made Vince feel scared. “I’m sorry,” he said again. “I’m sorry this happened to you.”

 

“Thanks,” Other Vince said. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “But, anyway, I guess you best be off. Your Howard is probably waiting.”

 

Vince didn’t want to leave. He felt sick at the thought of leaving a version of himself somewhere like this, alone and looking so broken and hopeless. “Maybe you should try the mirror,” he found himself saying.

 

“What?” Other Vince frowned at him.

 

“Like, if there’s a version of you without a Howard… maybe there’s a Howard that’s in the same position? Maybe you could find him. I know it wouldn’t be the same, but, you can’t stay here.” The thought of being trapped in a world like this was unthinkable, he wouldn’t survive.

 

“But, I don’t have that necklace thing,” he said slowly.

 

Vince shrugged. “It’s worth a go at least, ain’t it?”

 

“I’ll think about it,” Other Vince said slowly, looking uncertain.

 

“No,” Vince said, feeling unreasonably angry. “That’s what got you into this in the first place. Don’t think, just do it! Look,” he stood and marched to the mirror. “I’m going to touch it and then you’re going to follow me right away.”

 

Other Vince stood slowly and walked to join him. “What if it doesn’t work?”

 

Vince shrugged. “Then it don’t, but it’s worth trying, at least. What if you got to see him again?”

 

He could see the moment that Other Vince decided he was going to do it. Something like calm settled in his eyes before they seemed to light up with something. Vince thought it might be hope. “Okay,” he said softly. “I’ll try.”

 

“Genius! I know it’ll work out,” Vince said, stepped up and throwing his arms around the other version of himself.

 

Other Vince hugged him back. “Is this a dream?” he asked softly, his arms still tight around Vince.

 

“No,” Vince said fiercely. “No, this is real and you’re going to find him. Just like I’m going to find my Howard.”

 

“Okay,” Other Vince whispered back. “Okay, let’s do it.”

 

Vince squeezed him once more before stepping back and reaching up a hand to the mirror. “Don’t wait, touch it right away, before it goes back to just being a mirror. Good luck Vince,” he said gently.

 

“You too,” Other Vince said, smiling at him and bringing his own hand up, ready to touch the surface.

 

Vince blinked and was gone.

 

——

 

The moment he landed he reached a hand up to his necklace, his heart beating wildly in his chest. “Howard?” he snapped, fear making his voice a lot higher than he was used to. “Howard? Can you hear me?”

 

“Vince?”

 

Everything in him relaxed at the sound of his friend’s voice. He sagged against the wall of whereever he’d landed this time. He paused, waiting to see if Other Vince would appear behind him but nothing happened. He wasn’t really surprised. He didn’t know how the magic worked or even if it would for anyone else. He hoped it had, though. He really did.

 

He took a deep breath before speaking again. “Are you okay?” he asked, his voice was embarrassingly shaky.

 

“I’m fine,” Howard said. “What’s happened? Are _you_ okay?”

 

“Yeah,” he said slowly, sinking down so he could sit on the floor. He wasn’t sure his legs were going to support him much longer anyway. “I just… I just wanted to hear your voice.”

 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Howard said, sounding a bit concerned. “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“No,” Vince said immediately. “Not yet.”

 

“Okay,” Howard said. Vince knew the expression the other man was probably wearing currently. He thought he could probably sketch it if he needed to. His face would be a mask of anxious concern, his eyebrows drawn together as he tried to think of something to say.

 

Vince closed his eyes and tried to hold the image in his brain. “Howard,” he said eventually, “if I ask you something, will you answer me honestly?”

 

“What?” Howard asked. He’d definitely look worried now. The image almost made Vince smile. He might have even have done it if he didn’t still feel so close to crying.

 

“I just… I want to ask you something and I want to know if you’ll tell me the truth.” Vince didn’t think he’d have the guts to do this if Howard were really in the same room as him, if he hadn’t just seen what he had. But as it was, he balled his hands into fists and willed himself not to back down.

 

There was a long silence. “Please Howard,” Vince pressed. “It’s important.”

 

Howard sighed. “Okay, little man, go on.”

 

“Why don’t you let me touch you?” he asked, forcing the words out quickly so he couldn’t change his mind. He was gripping the necklace so hard that it was starting to hurt his hand.

 

There was a long pause. “Why are you asking this, Vince?”

 

Vince fidgeted with the necklace but forced himself to speak. “I don’t know,” he said slowly. “It just feels important.”

 

“I’m…” Howard trailed off. “It’s not something we ought to talk about now.”

 

Vince huffed. “You never wanna talk about it though.”

 

“I don’t know why you’re asking, you know it makes me uncomfortable,” Howard sounded put out and almost agitated. But he wasn’t shouting, so Vince didn’t think it was time to back down quite yet.

 

“But, it didn’t always,” he said. “You used to like it when we cuddled.” He felt a bit like he was breaking some silent code. Neither of them had ever mentioned the way they’d been before Howard put a stop to it.

 

“That was different,” Howard said, definitely sounding annoyed now, like he thought that it ought to be obvious.

 

“No it weren’t,” Vince argued. “We would be in your bed all the time and it was fine and then one day, I tried to hug you and you couldn’t stand me being anywhere near you anymore. I don’t get what I did.” He paused, surprised at his own words. He hadn’t quite realised that’s how he felt: like he’d done something wrong. But it made sense, he must have somehow overstepped. He wondered now if Howard had somehow sensed Vince’s changing feelings towards him. It was true enough that Howard’s no touching rule had coincided with Vince realising that he might fancy him a bit. Perhaps he’d messed up and shown how he felt. Now he thought about it, that was probably a big part of why he’d always taken the rejection so personally. It made him feel embarrassed and when he felt that way he had a tendency to lash out. He blinked at the realisation, feeling silly and confused. Thankfully Howard was taking his time to reply so Vince had some time to process his thoughts before being forced to continue the conversation.

 

“But that was different,” Howard eventually huffed. “It wasn’t appropriate that we do that, I was older than you, Vince. You being in my bed… It wasn’t right and I needed some space.”

 

“But why?” Vince burst out. “I didn’t _want_ space. I _liked_ them hugs, I _liked_ being close to you. It’s not like I was going to do nothing!”

 

“It wasn’t you I didn’t trust! I just-” Howard started sounding distressed and then stopped, interrupted by a loud bang.

 

Vince looked up, releasing that he was in their flat and someone had clearly just come in from outside. He could hear them coming up the stairs. “I better go,” he said reluctantly.

 

“Okay,” Howard said softly, almost sadly.

 

“I’ll talk to you later, yeah?” he asked, feeling disappointed at being interrupted. He wondered when the last time that had happened was. He was more likely to feel relieved at having their arguments cut short these days. But this one had felt useful. Like they might be getting somewhere.

 

“Yeah okay, Vince,” Howard said, not sounding like he much liked the idea. But he’d agreed and Vince was determined to hold him to it.

 

He stood back up, wiping at his eyes again before Howard appeared at the top of the stairs. He was wearing the outfit Vince had last seen his own Howard in. He didn’t realise it was going to happen until it was too late.

 

He let out a little squeak of anguish and tears started spilling down his cheeks. He hadn’t realised how much he’d missed his own Howard and seeing Other Vince so sad and lonely had made him oddly terrified. He wasn’t sure if it was worse or better that he knew it wasn’t _his_ Howard looking surprised at seeing him, frozen at the top of the stairs. But he knew he definitely just wanted to go home.

 

“Vince?” Howard said. “Vince? What’s happened? Are you okay?” Howard seemed to unstick himself and was hurrying across the room and pulling Vince into a tight hug.

 

There was about maybe a third of a second where Vince considered not taking the offered embrace but it was a losing battle. He buried his head into Howard’s chest and took some shuddering breaths. He screwed his eyes shut when Howard dropped a kiss onto the top of head and stroked his hair softly.

 

“Hey, there, little man,” he whispered into his hair. “It’s okay. I’m here.”

 

For some reason that made Vince want to burst into a fresh wave of tears. He nuzzled into Howard’s chest and screwed his eyes shut tightly. He knew he was going to need to pull back soon. It wasn’t right to take comfort from someone who thought that he was someone else. But all the talk of Howard’s cuddles had made him miss them. He tried to soak in the feeling of being Howard’s arms. He’d forgotten how little he felt when Howard would hug him.

 

“Come on, Vince,” Howard said after a moment. “You’re starting to worry me. Why are you home? What happened?”

 

Vince sniffed again. “Sorry,” he said, stepping back and wiping at his eyes one last time. “I’m not… I’m not Vince. Least, not your Vince.”

 

He shouldn’t have minded telling the story again. But it was starting to get a bit old now. He wanted to move Howard on quickly, double check he didn’t have a spare one hanging around, and get out of there. Of course this Howard was just as much of a stickler for rules as his own. He insisted Vince sit on the sofa while he made him some tea.

 

“Thanks Howard,” he said, already feeling silly for crying. “Where’s your Vince then?”

 

It was obvious they must be an item, it was the only explanation for Howard being so happy with the cuddling. Plus the kiss on top of his head. The memory of it made him feel almost lightheaded. He blushed and ducked his head, hoping to hide it behind his hair. He was starting to get the uncomfortable impression that his crush on Howard was not as over with as he’d thought.

 

He had the sudden, embarrassing thought of how terrible he must look. He hadn’t even showered in a couple of days, let alone sorted out his hair. He didn’t want Howard seeing him like this, which was an unsettling thought in itself, without all the other realisations that were accompanying it. He considered asking to freshen up, but he didn’t want to draw attention to himself.

 

“He’s at the sales,” Howard said. “He’ll be gone all day, I suspect.”

 

Vince nodded. “How long you two been together?” he asked, by now used to asking the question.

 

Howard smiled hugely at him. “Not long, really. Only a few months. It’s quite new.”

 

He nodded and took a sip of tea. “Me and my Howard aren’t together,” he said. Not sure why he said it, but he found he wanted to talk about it.

 

“Oh,” Howard said. “Why not?”

 

Vince felt a laugh bubble out of him, unexpectedly. “I don’t know,” he said. “We just ain’t like that. I used to fancy him but he was never interested. He ain’t really interested in me at all.” It felt good to say it out loud, even if it was embarrassing. “Like, he doesn’t want to hang out with me and he always finds reasons to hang out with smarter people or whatever. He’s not like you, I bet you wouldn’t have hated spending time with your Vince so much that when you were trapped alone on a desert island you’d have rather made up an imaginary friend than hang out with him.” He let out a shaky breath and took another sip of tea. He suspected he might never want another cup of tea for as long as he lived after this. He couldn’t for the life of him say why he was spilling all of this out to Howard. But he felt raw after the last and his conversation with his Howard. It felt good to be able to say it all outloud after so long of feeling it but not wanting to admit it. Besides, maybe this Howard would give him some sympathy, maybe even another hug.

 

There was a long silence after he finally stopped speaking. “Vince moved out after that for six months,” Howard said eventually, looking at his hands.

 

Vince looked up, surprised at the admission. He had thought about it, when they got back. When he was at his most angry. But he never quite had the courage. He had never been strong enough to walk away. He looked at Howard closely.

 

It was nice, being able to look and the other man not to fidget and scowl at him. His Howard usually snapped at him to stop staring after only a couple of seconds. This one seemed perfectly happy with the scrutiny. He thought he could detect some melancholy in his stare, perhaps the memory of his Vince leaving him.

 

“Didn’t you try and stop him leaving, if you loved him so much?” He couldn’t resist asking the question. He couldn’t wrap his head around the idea of Howard knowing he loved him - Other Vince - but not doing anything about it. It seemed absurd.

 

Howard did fidget at that. He dropped eye contact and stared at the other side of the room. “No,” he said finally. “I didn’t know how. I thought I’d lost him and I probably deserved it. I acted terribly on that island. He wouldn’t say it outright, of course, but I think I really hurt him. I didn’t mean to. I never meant to, but I did. I think he really needed the space after that.”

 

It was Vince’s turn to fidget uncomfortably. He’d never told Howard how hurt he’d felt after their failed trip to America. He’d just buried it. He didn’t really like thinking about it, but he supposed the sting of rejection had followed him around ever since. Maybe it was why he was so angry all the time, like he was trying to punish Howard for it but never admitting to why. His hand came up to play with his necklace, he felt guilty and frustrated. Why did all these other versions of themselves seem to have it all figured out anyway?

 

“So how’d you get together then?” he asked, not wanting to dwell on the bad parts of the story.

 

“He answered my lonely hearts ad,” Howard said, blushing furiously. He must have clocked the look of horror on Vince’s face because he huffed out a laugh. “Vince says he only answered for a joke, because he was bored one day.” He smiled a bit dopily. “But, I think it helped, writing to each other. Not knowing it was the other one meant we could sort of start again. I told him all about Vince - never naming any names of course - about how I realised I was in love with him. How I’d messed it all up by trying too hard to make him see me as impressive and worthwhile. And he,” Howard blushed again. “He talked about his friend, who he missed terribly, even though he was a tit. I think it helped: writing it down helped him figure out his own feelings.”

 

Vince felt a bit annoyed at that. “What’s that mean?”

 

Howard smiled lopsidedly at him. “Just that Vince took some time to come to terms with everything. I think he’d pushed away the idea of anything ever happening between us so hard that he’d forgotten it was ever there. It freaked him out to realise that our whole relationship had probably gone so wrong because he was angry at me for rejecting him. Which, of course, I hadn’t. At least, not on purpose.”

 

“Well, I bet you were being a real tit about it all.” He didn’t know why he felt the need to say it, but he felt somehow defensive about the other Vince.

 

To his great surprise Howard laughed. It was a deep, rich sound of genuine amusement. “Yes, that’s what he’d tell you. But it was hard,” he said. “Even after we realised how we felt. Even after Vince admitted how he felt, it still took a lot of time.”

 

“It sounds terrible,” Vince said. The thought of working through such a tangled mess of emotions made him feel unsettled. He hated trying to talk about his feelings, especially when they were bad. Talking to Howard about them, when he was the source of the emotions, was almost unthinkable.

 

“It wasn’t all bad,” Howard said, his eyes lighting up. “There were definite benefits to admitting our feelings.”

 

“You mean all the bumming,” Vince said, now finally able to say it without the tinge of horror he’d felt the need to cover it in before.

 

“Well,” Howard said primly, “a gentleman would never kiss and tell. But being able to be physically intimate certainly helped when we couldn’t express ourselves verbally.”

 

Vince could feel himself blushing again. “Who started that?”

 

Howard looked at him hard. “Have you never thought about you and your Howard… like that?”

 

“I dunno.” Vince shrugged and looked away. “I guess, but it just seems so _weird._ ”

 

“I thought it might be too,” Howard said. “But it wasn’t, not when it came down to it.”

 

“That’s what he said,” Vince couldn’t help but joke.

 

“Haha,” Howard said with a roll of his eyes. There was pause where they both finished their tea and looked at each other. Vince knew the conversation was over. This might be a new and strangely open Howard, but it was still Howard. There was only so much talking about his feelings that he would stand for. Howard smiled a bit awkwardly at him. “Do you need anything else before you leave?”

 

Vince shook his head, then sighed. “Actually, do you reckon I could use your shower?”

 

Howard smiled at him. “Sure thing, little man, help yourself.”

 

TBC


	4. Chapter four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It obviously was Howard, there could be no mistaking his little eyes and broad shoulders. But that was where the similarities ended. Howard had never, in his life, put gel in his hair. Let alone fashioned it into elaborate spikes. He had also never considered wearing silver trousers with just an open yellow jacket and nothing underneath it. Let alone done those things at the same time, paired with a massive dragon tattoo snaking up his flat stomach and around his ribs. Vince seemed to forget how to breath for a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always assumed Connie had named him Julie B, but upon further research I found that no, that would be one Mr J Barratt, that dork.

Chapter four  
  
Vince felt infinitely better by the time he touched the mirror again: refreshed and lot less liable to burst into tears at any moment. Which was probably just as well because he found himself in an unfamiliar building. It looked a bit like Dan’s squat but not nearly so dirty. There was thumping music coming through the walls and after a quick inspection, he found his current room empty. He was almost tempted to leave but Howard said he was trapped in an unfamiliar room and so he decided to investigate the source of the music at the very least before leaving.  
  
He wondered if he might be in another Dan universe. Perhaps this was the sort of music Jones played. He pushed open a door to find a large, mostly empty room other than a computer and large speakers. The figure who had been apparently working away on the computer spun around in their chair to face him.  
  
It wasn’t a Jones.  
  
“Howard?” he said slowly, blinking quickly and half expecting the image before him to disappear.  
  
It obviously was Howard, there could be no mistaking his little eyes and broad shoulders. But that was where the similarities ended. Howard had never, in his life, put gel in his hair. Let alone fashioned it into elaborate spikes. He had also never considered wearing silver trousers with just an open yellow jacket and nothing underneath it. Let alone done those things at the same time, paired with a massive dragon tattoo snaking up his flat stomach and around his ribs. Vince seemed to forget how to breath for a moment.  
  
“Welcome,” Howard said, quietly. If he was surprised to find Vince standing there, he made no indication of it.  
  
Vince meanwhile was struggling to think of something to say. His eyes didn’t seem to want to leave Howard’s bare chest. His Howard had long since left behind the sharp angles and flat planes of his youth. Vince didn’t mind that, he’d always liked the fact Howard had some softness now. It made him seem a bit more approachable.  
  
But even when they were younger and Howard was almost as skinny as Vince, he’d never dressed to show it off. Quite the opposite, he’d wanted to hide in too baggy clothes and grown his hair out so it fell curly and wild around his face. He’d seemed happier once he’d filled out a bit and lost some of his sharper angles.  
  
“How did you find this place?” Howard said, not seeming to mind that Vince hadn’t responded to his initial greeting.  
  
“I came through the mirror,” Vince said, feeling like he might actually be dreaming.  
  
Howard nodded as though that made sense. “Did the music call you here?”  
  
“No,” Vince said, his eyes caught on the way Howard’s abs shifted as he stood up and started walking toward him. “I’m looking for my friend. He looks… he looks a bit like you. He’s called Howard.”  
  
This Howard tilted his head to one side. “Is that why you’re calling me that?”  
  
“Is that, err, not your name?” he said, eyes darting back up to Howard’s face before they got snagged on his tattoo again.  
  
“I suppose it might be,” he said. “What use will names be anyway once we leave these physical vessels behind?”  
  
“Right, yeah,” Vince said. “But, like, what do people call you?”  
  
“Julie B,” he answered.  
  
Vince bit the side of his cheek in a bid to keep from smiling. He would have never let his own Howard live it down if he’d called himself something quite so silly. But he wasn’t sure how this version would react. “Good name,” he said. “Have you seen my friend, then? Someone who looks like you… only with more clothes.”  
  
Julie B continued his walk across the room toward him, his eye intent. “No, but I do recognise you. I think… Have we met?”  
  
Vince shook his head. “Me and you?” he asked, resisting the urge to back away as Julie B stalked toward him. “Nope, I’m not from here.”  
  
Julie B stopped walking when he was just inside Vince’s personal space. He stared at him, studying his face intently for a long time. “We should make music together,” he said suddenly.  
  
Vince blinked rapidly at him. That… was not what he was expecting. “What music?”  
  
Julie B looked at him for a moment, before grinning. It was a flirty, amused smile that he’d never seen on Howard’s face before. It made his stomach do a strange flutter. “All of it,” he said before reaching out to take him by the hand. “Come with me,” he said, tugging him closer. “I have something to show you.”  
  
Vince let himself be pulled over to the computer. Julie B turned them so he was stood behind him, and gently placed his hands on Vince’s shoulders and pushed him into the chair.  
  
“Now,” he said, leaning down so his voice ghosted across Vince’s ear. “What should we start with?”  
  
Vince wondered if his blush was obvious even in the dim light of the room. He wasn’t sure that Howard had ever been quite this close to him before. Certainly not with a look of such intensity directed at him, or that slight twinkle in his eyes. He fidgeted in the seat.  
  
“How about a beat?” Julie B said, reaching out so he could cover Vince’s hand with his own larger one and moved it onto the mouse. “I’ve been experimenting with some new sounds.”  
  
Vince froze for a moment, remembering him and Howard and their own search. He’d loved those times, creating things together, even when it was stressful and the gigs didn’t go well. Nothing seemed to really matter when they were together. He felt a pang of homesickness. But it wasn’t really for the flat or even just for Howard. It was for a time when he and Howard had been happy together. He swallowed hard passed the lump in his throat. He blinked and turned his head to look at Julie B.  
  
The other man turned his head so he was looking at him. He raised an eyebrow at Vince. “How about this?” He moved their joined hands and a beat started up.  
  
Vince could only nod, caught by the look in the other man’s eyes. It was calculating and still somewhat amused. The truth was, he was bloody gorgeous and Vince felt completely lost. He didn’t know what to do with a confident Howard that was directing flirting right at him. It wasn’t even Howard’s terrible version of flirting either. It was good. Vince had always liked confident men. And tall men, with Northern accents, slightly curling hair and dark eyes, if he were being completely honest. He licked his lips and wondered if he was meant to be saying something.  
  
“I’ve been thinking about the future of music,” Julie B said, looking away from Vince and back to the computer. “I think looking back is death, but perhaps, there might be some things worth taking forward. Losing everything might be worse than death.”  
  
“Right,” he said, trying to drag himself back to focus on the conversation. “There’s loads of genius old music that I listen to all the time.”  
  
Julie B’s mouth quirked into a small smile at that. “I’m glad to hear it.”  
  
He was clicking around on the computer again and Vince watched with interest. He was still acutely aware of how close he was standing behind him, but he was also fascinated about what he was doing. He’d never seen someone create music like this before. Howard was more of a traditionalist, although he helped Vince figure out how to do some electro stuff for the band. “You been making music long?” he asked after a moment.  
  
“Always,” Julie B said absently. “Here, I thought perhaps jazz has the ordered chaos that we might learn from.”  
  
“What?” Vince said, unable to keep the horror from his voice. “No way. Jazz is the one music that should be forgotten already, besides, I’m allergic.”  
  
“I knew it,” Julie B said immediately. He stood straight, taking his hand from Vince’s so he could spin the chair around. “I thought it was you.”  
  
“Me?” Vince asked, blinking at the sudden change in the other man’s demeanor.  
  
“We have met before,” Julie B said, his eyes dancing with something Vince didn’t understand. “At that club where you were DJing. You said our set was terrible and then we made love.”  
  
“That doesn’t seem right,” Vince managed. “Why’d we do that if I insulted your music?”  
  
“I don’t know, it was a strange and beautiful night,” Julie B said. “You really don’t remember? It was magical, we lay under the stars and talked about the future of music. It was a primal connection.”  
  
Vince swallowed hard. “I think you might have the wrong person,” he said, his voice coming out more breathless than he would like.  
  
Julie B looked disappointed for a moment, before he leant forward and kissed Vince. It wasn’t aggressive like he might have imagined it would be. Instead, it was a gentle press of lips, his eyes closed and hands coming to ghost softly across Vince’s jaw.  
  
It felt like Vince might have missed a step going down the stairs. His stomach swooped and his heart fluttered in his chest. His hands flailed uselessly for a moment before they decided to latch onto Julie B’s jacket. Then he was kissing him back. It wasn’t a conscious decision, more that his body finally decided that if various Howards were going to keep kissing him, he might as well start to enjoy it. Julie B’s mouth opened under his and then they were full on snogging. Vince felt overwhelmed and a bit panicked.  
  
But then Julie B pulled backed and smiled at him brilliantly. “Yes,” he said. “I remember you.”  
  
It was a stupid reason for Vince to suddenly feel more turned on than he ever had in his life, but that didn’t seem to matter to his dick which had decided to take a definite interest in the proceedings. He stood up from his chair and kissed Julie B again, this time taking advantage of his open jacket to place his hands on his chest. It felt warm and solid under his hands.  
  
They were flush against each other, Julie B’s hands were suddenly in his hair and Vince was having probably the best snog of his life. It felt like something he might have been waiting years for. Maybe most of his life.  
  
Which was where it started to slowly go wrong. This wasn’t what he’d waited for and the person currently pressing themselves against him tightly thought he was someone else.  
  
That was definitely wrong. He pulled back, apparently against his body’s wishes, because his hips wanted to stay exactly where they were. He ended up leaning back and taking a shaky breath. “I’m really not him,” he said, forcing the words out. “But, I’m sure he wants to hear from you. Maybe you should, err…” He got caught in the look in the other man’s eyes; they were so like Howard’s, or Howard’s when they were still full of warmth. He licked his lips and tried again. “Maybe you should try and find him.”  
  
Julie B frowned at him. “But-”  
  
“Seriously,” Vince said. “I came in through that mirror and I’m looking for my friend, I’m not him. But I’m sure if you can find him again…”  
  
“You didn’t kiss me like we’ve never met before,” Julie B pointed out. He didn't seem annoyed at the admission.  
  
“Well,” Vince said. “You know, you look… I mean, a kiss is a kiss, ain’t it? It’s fun.” He hoped it sounded more convincing to Julie B than it did in his own head.  
  
“This friend of yours…” Julie B started, narrowing his eyes. “You and he do a lot of kissing?”  
  
“No!” Vince said, and felt his cheeks heat again. “‘Course not.”  
  
Julie B smiled a bit wolfishly at him. “Good,” he said and then kissed him again.  
  
It was a more heated kiss, Julie B’s big hands resting first against Vince’s shoulders to bring him closer and then trailing down his back to grab his arse. Vince seemed to have a lot of instincts all at once, but the one he eventually went with was to kiss back. It was a bloody great kiss for one thing and for another he had actually spent a lot of time thinking about kissing Howard, especially one that looked a bit like this. The height of his crush had been before Howard disappeared to the zoo. While Julie B was certainly older than that version of Howard, he felt a bit like Vince had imagined his Howard would have. All hard lines and jutting hip bones.  
  
Vince moved his arms so he could wrap them around Julie B’s neck, going up onto his tiptoes so he could properly reach. He groaned into the kiss when Julie B aligned their crotches and rotated his hips. He was starting to feel a bit giddy when he pulled back.  
  
“I need to leave,” he heard himself say and immediately wanted to kick himself. That wasn’t what he wanted to say at all. But he knew immediately that it was also the right thing to do. It felt somehow wrong to do this with someone that looked so like Howard, but wasn’t actually him. Almost perverse, somehow. He’d never be able to look at Howard again. Besides, he felt bad for the other him that was probably somewhere pinning for this version of Howard and waiting for him to call.  
  
“You should come to my room,” Julie B said, his voice soft and intimate. It made Vince’s stomach do another swoop of excitement. “We have a connection. I know you can feel it too.”  
  
“You should find that other me,” Vince said. “I gotta find my friend in. He needs me.”  
  
Julie B looked for a moment like he might argue, but then he stepped back. “As you wish,” he said with a little incline of his head. “It feels like we were meant to meet.”  
  
Vince shrugged. “Probably just a coincidence, but just in case I’d head back to that club.”  
  
“I’ll do that,” Julie B ginned at him. “I hope you find your friend and that you are able to continue what we started here. We are all animals and repressing our desires is unhealthy and against nature.”  
  
“Ha!” Vince let out a genuine snort of amusement at the very idea. “You try telling Howard that, it’s basically his speciality.”  
  
“Hmmm,” Julie B said, with a frown. “It used to be mine too. But not because I didn’t feel them; I felt them too much. I could have locked them away but instead I chose to release them. Perhaps your friend should do the same.”  
  
“Yeah, I’ll tell him that,” Vince said, unable to keep the note of sarcasm from his voice.  
  
“No,” Julie B said, stepping toward him and placing his hand over Vince’s chest. It sent a shudder of pleasure through him. “There is a connection. You must feel it. You and I - you and your friend perhaps, there’s a connection. You shouldn’t throw that away.”  
  
“It ain’t me that’s throwing anything away.” He sounded more petulant than he would have liked so he tried to grin and cover it up. “Besides it ain’t worth hurting a friendship over a quick shag.”  
  
“That depends on the shag,” Julie B said with another wolfish grin. “Some shags lead to deeper connections.”  
  
“If you say so,” Vince said and stepped back towards the door. “Good luck with your DJ.”  
  
“Good luck with your friend.” Vince gave a little wave which was returned with a raise of Julie B’s hand before Vince turned and left the room.  
  
He stumbled back to the mirror. He took only a short, slightly rueful look back over his shoulder toward the door before reaching out and touching the surface.  
  
——-  
  
He gasped in shock when he landed next. It was raining almost horizontally; the fat drops of water seeming to have been picked up and hurled with great force into his face. He looked about, but couldn’t see much other than that he appeared to be on a rocky outcrop near the sea. The sky was dark and angry looking, and the waves were crashing with a great roar onto the rocks. He had no clue where he might be, but he was already freezing and his hair was stuck slick to his head. Any lingering arousal he might have felt was washed away immediately.  
  
He looked around and found there was a narrow path leading toward to some small, low buildings in the distance. He took off quickly, eyes screwed into slits and arms wrapped around himself in a futile attempt to keep warm. As he got closer to the buildings, he started walking faster, already shivering from the cold. Then a door opened and a figure appeared, walking quickly towards him. He would recognise that slouching walk anywhere. It wasn’t his Howard, he realised with a familiar sinking feeling: the hair was wrong and he had a beard rather than a moustache.  
  
“Vince!” Howard shouted into the wind as he got closer. “Vince, you came!”  
  
Vince was just opening his mouth to explain that he wasn’t the right Vince when Howard stepped right up to him and pulled him into a tight embrace. He wasn’t as surprised as he would have been at the start of this adventure, but coming so soon after Julie B, he felt conflicted about it. He was perhaps a bit too slow to reciprocate the hug, because Howard stepped back quickly, dropping his arms.  
  
“Sorry,” he mumbled. “I just didn’t think you were ever going to come.”  
  
Vince paused, momentarily unsure if he ought to admit who he really was; Howard looked so delighted that his Vince was there he felt bad about taking it away from him. But, he couldn’t very well lie either, both morally and practically because he knew exactly nothing about this universe. In the end he stuttered out an explanation that Howard took pretty much in his stride. He ushered Vince inside his little cabin and got him some towels and dry clothes.  
  
By the time he was huddled on Howard’s small sofa, holding some steaming soup, he could pretty much feel his hands and feet again. “Thanks Howard,” he muttered. “Where are we then?”  
  
“Denmark,” Howard said, drawing the curtains and sitting down at the opposite side of the sofa to him. He was holding his own bowl of soup almost like a shield between them.  
  
“What you still doing out here?” Vince asked, feeling peeved at the very idea. His Howard had already taken far too long in coming back to London, and the thought of him being away for months made him feel anxious.  
  
“Jurgen asked me to stay and do another film,” he said, sounding almost defensive. “It’s my big chance to be an actor and it’s a real role this time. It’s small, relatively speaking, but something to grow from. He’s a great director.”  
  
Vince could feel himself scowling at the explanation. It seemed not every universe had a Howard that chose Vince. He felt sorry for the other him, and then a bit annoyed on his behalf. “Oh, he’s great, if you don’t mind playing crabs in stupid adverts and making a tit of yourself.”  
  
Howard noticeably blushed and then glared at Vince. “You sound just like him,” he said after a moment. “I don’t understand why he can’t just-” He cut himself off and glared at his soup.  
  
“Can’t just what?” Vince snapped in response. He couldn’t believe that Howard was actually blaming Vince for this.  
  
“Be happy for me!” Howard snapped back. “For once things are going right for me and he’s just… He’s just annoyed at me, just so absorbed in himself like usual that he doesn’t even care that something important is happening to me for once.”  
  
“Well, is it any surprise?” he replied icily, feeling heat rise to his cheeks. He felt flushed with anger and resentment. He thought of Vince somewhere, probably all alone and miserable, and here was Howard, acting like that was his fault. Like Vince could just magically make their relationship better by being less ‘self-absorbed’. Like that wasn’t how Howard acted all the time, he’d only probably ever been interested in himself, what did he really care about Vince? Clearly nothing if he was here and hadn’t even bothered to check on him. He pointed angrily at the other man when he spoke next. “You’re acting like a right tit!”  
  
“I’m acting like a tit?” Howard said, drawing himself up and looking furious. “How exactly? By following my dream? By actually achieving one for once? He’s the one that can’t even be happy for me. He’s meant to be my friend!”  
  
Vince felt Howard’s words almost like a physical blow. He leapt to his feet. The soup bowl clattering to the ground and making Howard rise too. Days of pent of frustration and fear making him feel so furious he could barely think straight. “Well, that’s rich! What kind of friend are you anyway?” he shouted. “You just left him! The moment you got the chance! You just buggered off and left him behind because you don’t care! Which he knows! He’s probably always known and now you’ve proved it by leaving and not coming back!”  
  
“I thought he’d come with me!” Howard bellowed and then looked shocked at himself. They stood, staring at each other, eyes wide and chests heaving for a moment. Then Vince saw Howard slowly deflate, his shoulders sagging and then dropping his head. Even his moustache seemed to droop. “I thought he’d come,” Howard said more softly, to the floor. “He always used to come.”  
  
Vince felt all the anger start to drain from him, leaving him sad and tired. He took a slow breath and sat down heavily on the sofa. The silence went on for a long time. “Have you asked him?” he said in the end. He felt old and too sad to be having this conversation. He just wanted to go to sleep. He was tired of sorting everyone else’s happiness out and knowing that there wouldn’t be any left for him.  
  
“Well,” Howard said, the bluster already creeping into his voice. “That is to say… I’m not quite sure. He probably wouldn’t-”  
  
“Oh, for goodness sake, Howard, just call him!” he snapped. “He’s probably waiting by the phone for it.”  
  
“Oh,” Howard said, deflating again. “Do you… Do you think so?”  
  
“Yeah,” he sighed. “Look, I’m knackered. Can I go to bed while you do it? I just need some sleep.”

He wanted to be on his own for awhile. It felt like he might have been travelling for years and he was tired of it. There didn’t seem to be any end in sight and he was starting to realise that he might not be able to get home whether he found Howard or not. He pushed the thought firmly away. It wouldn’t do any good to dwell on it.  
  
“Oh, erm, yes,” Howard said. “It’s just down there, end of the hall. There’s only one bed, I’m afraid. But you’re welcome to it.”  
  
“It’s fine, Howard,” he said. “We can just share. Me and my Howard do it all the time. It’s no big deal.” The lie felt bad as soon as it was out. He hung his head. “No we don’t,” he admitted. “But, I wish we could sometimes.”  
  
There was another long silence where neither of them seemed to know what to say. “I’ll go and call Vince,” Howard said in the end.  
  
Vince couldn’t look at him. He had no idea why he’d suggested they share a bed. Maybe it was because he’d been thinking of those old times with Howard. It made him feel embarrassed and confused. “Night then,” he muttered and dragged himself down the hall.  
  
The room was tiny, there was hardly room for more than the small double bed and a chest of draws. He looked around the room, noticing some of Howard’s things scattered around. It was mostly his books, but there was also a small framed photo next to the bed. It was of Vince and Howard on their ill-fated trip to Black Lake. They had their arms around each other and were grinning at the camera. It was before they met Old Gregg and they looked happy, pleased to be together. He knew they had taken the same photo in his universe. It made his heart hurt; he couldn't imagine his Howard having brought it with him when he went away. He considered turning it away from him but instead just pointedly didn’t look at it.  
  
He paused, not wanting to sleep in his clothes, before opening a draw and pulling out one of Howard's t-shirts and putting it on.  
  
He climbed into bed and turned off the light right away. He considered talking to his Howard before trying to get some sleep, but he couldn’t do it. There wasn’t really anything to say.  
  
He could hear the other Howard talking softly down the hall and he wondered how quickly Vince would be able to catch a flight out here. They’d probably be bumming in this bed this time tomorrow. The thought made him feel a bit sad again. He screwed his eyes shut and tried to think about a Charlie story to help lull him to sleep.  
  
He jumped a few minutes later when the door opened. He didn’t move as Howard padded about the room, apparently getting ready for bed too. He held his breath when the bed dripped and Howard climbed in with him.  
  
“Is he coming now?” Vince asked into the silence when he couldn’t bear it anymore.  
  
“Yeah,” Howard said softly. “He’s getting a flight tomorrow morning.” The silence ticked on for a moment. “He’s pretty angry with me.”  
  
“He’ll get over it,” Vince said. “He always does. But, maybe you can show him that photo you have by your bed when he gets here. Or,” he paused, choosing his next words very carefully, “you could kiss him. I think he’d like that.”  
  
“Oh,” Howard said softly into the darkness. “Really?”  
  
“Yeah,” Vince said. “But only if you mean it.”  
  
“I see.” Vince could feeling the heat from Howard’s body where they were very nearly touching under the duvet. “I, err… I would. Mean it, I mean.”  
  
Vince couldn't help but smile at that. “That’s good then,” he said.  
  
Vince started to relax. It was nice having Howard this close to him. Even if it wasn’t the right one, he was pretty close to the real thing and Howard had always made him feel safe. He was starting to drift off before Howard spoke again. “Are you going to tell your Howard?”  
  
He tensed immediately at the words. “He don’t want me to,” he admitted, the sadness in his voice obvious. “I’ve tried.”  
  
“I…” Howard started. “I never told Vince I got that photo printed. But I did tell him once, about my feeling for him and he… Well, he laughed, and I didn’t try again after that. I think he thought I was just saying it for effect. Maybe your Howard is the same.”  
  
“Maybe,” Vince said, not believing it. He sniffed feeling inexplicably sad and lonely.  
  
“Hey,” Howard said, “come here, little man, don’t be sad.” He shifted and Vince could feel Howard open his arms wide, apparently for a hug. He considered not going to him for about a second but then he moved over and lay his chest on Howard’s shoulder, accepting the hug.  
  
It was almost exactly how he imagined being held in bed with Howard would feel. He was solid and warm, he smelled exactly like his Howard and was even wearing similar pyjamas. It made him feel lonelier than ever. “I miss him,” Vince whispered into Howard’s chest.  
  
Howard’s arms tightened around his shoulders, bringing him closer. “He misses you,” he answered. “I know he does. Everything feels grey and a bit boring when you’re not there.”  
  
Vince closed his eyes and tried to imagine that it was true. “I wish he’d stop leaving me,” he mumbled.  
  
“So does he,” Howard whispered into his hair. “He’s just scared that you’re bored with him. He wants you to think he’s interesting and clever again, that’s all. He’s showing off, trying to impress you and feeling stupid when it never works.”  
  
“Then he’s a tit,” he said.  
  
He could feel the laugh rumble through Howard’s chest. “Yes, that sounds about right.”  
  
Vince grinned. “Night Howard,” he said after a moment.  
  
It felt nice to be in bed with Howard. More than nice, even with the knowledge that it wasn’t really ‘his’ Howard. He sighed and nuzzled his head closer into Howard’s chest.  
  
It was probably time to admit that he fancied Howard. The thought was less scary than it might have been before he started on his adventure. It wasn’t a nice realisation, not with knowing his feelings weren’t returned in his own universe, but at least he was sure that Howard didn’t actively dislike him now. But there was nothing to be done about it. He fancied his best mate and probably always would a bit.  
  
He didn’t move out of Howard’s arms and the other man didn’t seem inclined to make him. So he lay there, trying to imprint the memory of it into his mind until he drifted to sleep.  
  
——  
  
He left early the next morning, not wanting to chance meeting Other Vince and keen to get on. The rain had stopped when he left the cabin, and the sun was shining over the ocean. It was beautiful. He paused, his hand going to his necklace.  
  
“Howard?” he whispered. “Howard, can you hear me?”  
  
“Vince?” Howard muttered, sounding sleepy. Maybe he’d woken him up. “Are you okay?”  
  
“You remember when we went to Black Lake?” he asked before he could chicken out.  
  
“Kind of hard to forget being kidnapped by a merman, Vince,” Howard said, his voice tinged with sarcasm which Vince ignored.  
  
“Remember that photo we got taken at the B&B before we went out on the lake?” He turned back and looked at the cabin, trying to concentrate on how sad Howard had looked when he talked about Vince not coming with him.  
  
“Yes...” Howard sounded cautious now. It gave him the confidence to carry on.  
  
“Did you have that photo printed out by any chance?” he asked. Then on instinct added, “Like I got that one of us at the zoo printed ages ago?”  
  
“Well,” Howard said, “I mean… I looked very dashing that day.”  
  
Vince smiled, some of the weight it felt like he’d been carrying for years starting to lift. “Where is it then?”  
  
“I…” Howard sounded decidedly shifty now. “I keep it… That’s to say… Well, I didn’t want to lose it, you see, and so… Well, it’s in my wallet.”  
  
Vince felt a huge grin spread across his face. “Yeah? Mine’s in my room.” He stopped short from saying that it was next to his bed. The truth was he often didn’t even notice it anymore.  
  
“Oh,” Howard said, his voice hardly above a whisper. “I thought you might have got rid of it after… After America.”  
  
Vince’s smile died. “I thought about it.” That was when he’d taken it out of the front room. He was going to throw it away or maybe just put it in a draw. He wasn’t sure how it ended up next to his bed. But whenever he thought about moving it, something stopped him.  
  
“Well, I’m glad you didn’t.” Howard sounded distinctly uncomfortable which made Vince’s mouth twitch again.  
  
“Me too. Maybe when I’m back we can get another copy of your one for the living room.” He tried to keep his voice neutral, but he thought some of his worry crept in anyway.  
  
“Okay,” Howard said immediately. “That’s a good idea. We still have that space on the wall.”  
  
Neither of them had mentioned it when Vince took down the other picture of them. Vince had wondered if Howard had even noticed. But he obviously had and hadn’t wanted to fill it. The thought made him sad. Sad that he didn’t realise Howard had known, sad that they hadn’t talked about it, sad that he wasn’t sure why he’d even done it other than to try and hurt the other man. He just felt sad.  
  
“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” he said when he was sure his voice wouldn’t be all shaky and lame. He was about to ask about what other photos Howard was keeping when he heard a low rumble. “What’s that?” he asked.

Howard paused for a moment. “It’s err, it’s whatever’s outside. I think it’s getting a bit restless. But don’t worry,” he hurried on quickly. “The doors here are very firm, I don’t think it could get in even if it wanted to.”

“Are you sure?” he asked, wanting to check. Although Howard was a natural worrier, if there was a chance he was in danger, he’d probably have talked about nothing else.

“Yes, I’m really fine,” Howard said firmly. “You just carry on and be careful.”

Vince smiled, he wouldn’t have believed that he’d miss that gently leacuring tone, but he had. “Okay, Howard. I’m still not any closer to finding you, but I will be today.”  
  
“I know you will,” Howard said. There was a brief pause before he continued in a much more uncertain voice. “And, err, thank you, Vince. For coming for me. Again.”  
  
He smiled to himself. “No worries, Howard. See you soon.”  
  
“See you soon,” Howard replied before Vince reached out and touched the mirror.  
  
——-  
  
He was back in London, that much was clear. But he wasn’t near the shop, he looked around until he spotted a little collection of stalls along the street and headed in their direction. He knew immediately he was in the right place when he heard music blasting from one of the kiosks closest to him.  
  
As he got closer he could see there was a person behind the counter dancing along to the music. It was a strange feeling, seeing his own moves from a distance. It was certainly him, the hair alone would have been a dead give away without the distinctive dance. He squared his shoulders and made his way over.  
  
“Alright?” he said as he stepped up the counter. He tried to arrange his face into a normal and non-threatening smile.  
  
“Alright?” said the guy on the other side of kiosk before looking up from the records and stopping his dance. Then he froze. “No way!” he said, with apparent delight. “You look just like me!”  
  
Vince grinned. “Well, that’s because I am you. I came through a mirror. I’m looking for my Howard.”  
  
The other man smiled as he nodded along. There was a pause after Vince stopped talking where the other him continued to nod and smile and then slowly stopped and started to frown. “Your what?”  
  
“My Howard,” Vince repeated, the blank look on the other man’s face made him panicked for a moment. Then he tried again. “Or Dan? Julie B?”  
  
The other him just looked at him blankly. Vince was just about to start a description when Howard appeared through the back of the kiosk. Vince relaxed just as Howard did a spectacular double take and then froze. “Pete?” he said slowly, “is there something you haven’t been telling me?”  
  
“I’m not his brother,” Vince cut in. “It’s just…” He sighed. “Can we go somewhere and chat? This is going to take some explaining.”  
  
Their flat was small but cozy, a lot less colourful than his and Howard’s, but with some nice touches here and there. Like the dogs for example; Jagger and Keith were nearly as excitable as their owner.  
  
“So, you expect us to believe that you came through a magic mirror and are looking for my double?” Stitch - which turned out to be just this Howard’s nickname - was looking at him like he was crazy. Vince was a bit bored of this reaction. He was starting to wonder if that other Naboo was wrong and that it wouldn’t just be better to drop in and out of universes more quickly. Not that his curiosity would always let him.  
  
He shrugged at Stitch; he looked a lot like Howard, only sort of not. There was a hardness to him that Howard didn't have, not just because Stitch was physically slighter but also because there was a more focused, intent look in his eyes than Howard had. Like maybe he’d lived more than Howard had and hadn’t much liked what he’d seen. Unless he was looking at Pete - Vince always found it weird when he didn’t have the right name - his whole face softened when he looked at Pete. It gave Vince the odd desire to pull Pete’s hair.  
  
“You don’t have to believe me,” he said. “I won’t be staying long, not if you haven’t seen Howard. But, Naboo reckons that I’m meant to talk to you, see if there’s anything in common that I’m missing. I don’t know, I didn’t really understand what he was getting at, to be honest.”  
  
“What’s your Stitch like?” Pete asked, his smile huge and a bit cheeky.  
  
Vince shrugged again. “I dunno, he likes jazz and is a really good musician.” He’d been intending to include a bit more of an insult, but decided against it at the last moment. It seemed mean to tease Howard when he was lost and alone. Besides, he didn’t want to give the impression that his universe wasn’t as good as this one.  
  
“Stitch plays the bass,” Pete said. “He’s genius at it.”  
  
“I can hold it and play two songs,” Stitch cut in with a roll of his eyes, but Vince didn’t miss the little pleased smile he sent Pete’s way at the compliment.  
  
“How long have you and Stitch been together in your universe?” Pete said, leaning forward. “We’ve been together nearly a year now; I just moved in!” He looked so delighted with the admission and Vince felt another pang of jealousy. When Stitch reached out to run a hand affectionately over the back of Pete’s head, Vince dropped his eyes.  
  
“We ain’t,” he mumbled, suppressing the desire to just lie about it. It was starting to hurt a bit, having to say it every time. He wondered when the feeling of shock and vague horror had faded to something more sad and wistful. The thought made him anxious. “So, how’d you get together?” he asked quickly, not wanting to dwell on him and Howard.  
  
“Well,” Pete said, apparently delighted at being able to tell he story.  
  
“That’s it,” Stitch said abruptly, pushing back from the table, “if you’re telling this bloody story again, I’m going out. I’d better check on the stall and get some shopping anyway.”  
  
“Yeah, alright,” Pete said easily, waving him off. Then when Stitch was nearly at the door his face fell and he called out, “Oi!”  
  
Stitch turned around, his face a mask of confusion for a moment before apparently understanding what Pete was getting at. He rolled his eyes, looking a little sheepish and took a couple of long strides across the room and dropped a kiss onto Pete’s forehead. He looked a bit flushed when he pulled back, but undeniably fond and happy too. Pete grinned hugely at him. “See ya, Stitch,” he said happily.  
  
Vince raised his eyebrows at him when they were alone and Pete smirked at him. “He pretends he don’t like all the coupley stuff, but he does. If we don’t hold hands or kiss and that he starts to think I don’t like him or something. Which is stupid because I been in love with him forever, and he was a right tit about us acting like a couple when we first got together.” Pete shook his head like he couldn’t quite believe he was in love with someone so stupid. Vince could relate.  
  
“Doesn’t that bother you?” Vince said. “Like, him acting like he doesn’t really like you?”  
  
“Nah, sometimes Stitch says stupid stuff, but he don’t mean it really,” Pete said with a wave of his hand. “He were in love with me for months before he told me and that were only because I gave him a real kicking for breaking up me and my girlfriends. You just got to tell him what you want and he usually does it in the end. It’s worth it, though, because when he finally relaxed...” Pete smiled dopily. “He’s the best boyfriend ever! He makes me dinner and comes shopping with me and he spoils the dogs when he thinks I ain’t looking. You just gotta ignore him when he gets in his head and starts thinking I don’t really like him.”  
  
“I don’t think Howard’s ever done what I told him in his life,” Vince said, feeling that tight ball of jealousy in his stomach again.  
  
“Well,” he said with another grin (Vince seemed to remember when he was this unreasonably smiley with people; was it as annoying when he did it?), “he pretends that it’s his own idea. But, like, he still feels bad about how he was before we got together and so he does try and be nice now.”  
  
There was a momentary break in Pete’s expression when he talked about their past. Vince still found it hard to look at his own face. Far apart from wanting to fix his hair, it also made him uncomfortable to see the emotions that he knew he was probably trying to hide playing across his face. He wondered if other people, if Howard, could see them. But it also meant that he could see when another him was trying to hide something and Pete was still clearly unhappy about the times before he and Stitch got together. “What did he do?”  
  
Pete shrugged. “I dunno,” he leant back and bit at his thumbnail for a moment, his brow creased in thought. “See, the thing is, I think Stitch don’t really know how to deal with his emotions.” He said it like he was imparting some great secret. “He gets himself all tangled up and they come out wrong. I’m the same sometimes I suppose, but when he was in love with me and didn’t want to say, he’d be a right tit sometimes. Like, he tried to hide it by being extra mean."

“He didn’t want you to know?” It was a strange thought, but then one he could also relate to.  
  
“Yeah, he thought that I was straight and that.” Pete stopped, looking genuinely upset and confused. “When he tried to break up with me he said it was because he wasn’t good enough or something. But, I don’t know, I’m not sure if it’s just because we’re so different; he likes to read and his friends all went to uni...”  
  
“Howard is always talking about how smart his friends are,” Vince said suddenly. “I think he thinks I’m stupid sometimes, like I ain’t always the one that saves him when he gets in trouble.”  
  
Pete nodded. “Stitch got the right hump when I told him that worried me,” Pete said into the silence. “But I think… I dunno, I don’t think it’s good for him to be so in his head. He’s always happier after we’ve gone for a walk with the dogs and just mucked about. You should just tell your Stitch to get over himself and tell you how he feels.”  
  
“Howard don’t listen to me,” Vince said. “I don’t think he’s ever taken something I said seriously.”  
  
Pete frowned at him. “Stitch remembers everything I’ve ever said. Only sometimes he turns it all into this horrible version of it in his head. It sucks because they all come back out eventually and I have to explain what I meant. But, I ain’t good with words like he is; it’s easier to show him. When I kissed him after our fight, it was like a floodgate opened. He was…” Pete stopped abruptly and blushed. “He don’t like me talking about what we do in bed, but it’s crazy! Way better than even the threesoms with Poppy.”  
  
Vince didn’t follow all of what Pete was saying but he got the general gist. He wondered if Howard would react better to actions than to words. He was always going on about being a man of action and Vince had never actually tried to kiss him, he supposed. But, given his reactions to being touched, he couldn’t imagine it would go over that well. “Howard shouts at me to get off him when I touch him.”  
  
“Don’t touch me!” Pete said with a giggle. “Yeah, that was Stitch too. But, he says that were just because he didn’t like being touched when it didn’t mean what he wanted it to…” He shook his head again. “He’s so weird, way more complicated than the women I’ve gone out with. But, it’s better too. I feel sorta…”  
  
“Safe?” Vince guessed.  
  
Pete smiled brilliantly at him. “Yeah, exactly! And content? I dunno, but I don’t think I’ve stopped smiling all year - apart from when he tried to break up with me.”  
  
Vince petted Jagger absently where he’d placed his head on his lap. He sighed and looked about. “I guess I better get going,” he said. “I need to find Howard and get home.”  
  
"It is well strange that you call him Howard," Pete said with a grin. "It don't suit him at all. But, you guys should come back and visit us after you’ve found him.”  
  
“I don’t know if we’ll be able to,” Vince said. “I don’t know how any of this works.”  
  
“You can figure it out,” Pete said. “We can go to a club! Stitch is a genius dancer but he says he hates it.”  
  
Vince couldn’t help but smile in the face of such genuine enthusiasm. He vaguely remembered feeling like that. There was definitely a time when he was this happy and unabashedly enthusiastic about everything. He wondered when that had stopped. Losing the zoo had hit him pretty hard, he supposed. It was the first time he could remember really failing. He’d been in shock for weeks afterwards, not quite able to believe that it was really gone and there was nothing he could do.  
  
Looking back now it had been Howard that had got them through it. He’d quietly made them meals and thought about practical things like how they’d pay the rent. He wasn’t sure, but he suspected that it was him that had asked Naboo if they could stay with him to make up for the shortfall while they weren’t earning any money.  
  
He forced a smile onto his face and nodded. “Sure thing, Pete,” he said. “I’ll see what I can do.” He meant it too, he wasn’t sure how on earth he’d make it happen, but he could at least look into it. Hanging out with Pete would be fun and be a nice break from his normal crowd; he couldn’t imagine Pete much caring how trendy his clothes were for example. Besides, there was something calmingly domestic about their flat, with its dogs and slightly dodgy furniture.  
  
“Genius!” He beamed. “See you later then, Vince.”  
  
His smile was genuine when he gave the other man a hug and the dogs a last pet before he headed back out onto the street.  
  
——-  
  
He stood at the mirror, torn for a moment before reaching up to grab hold of his necklace. “Howard,” Vince said, his heart hammering and hands already starting to get clammy. He wasn’t sure if he’d actually be able to get the words out so he tried not to think as he spoke. “What would you do if I kissed you when I find you?”  
  
“What?” Howard sounded dumbfounded. “What kind of question is that?”  
  
“I wanna know? All these other versions of us…” He sighed. He knew that wasn’t the way to get the answer he needed. “I just… I’ve been thinking about it but I don’t want to do it if you don’t want me to.”  
  
There was a long silence.  
  
“Howard?”  
  
“Yeah.” Howard’s voice broke and he cleared his throat. “Do you think we should be having this conversation when we, ah, when we aren’t in the same room, perhaps even universe?”  
  
“We should have had it years ago,” Vince said, trying to keep a hold of his temper. But it was hard when he felt so anxious and sure Howard was about to say something awful to him.  
  
“Vince,” Howard said, panic clear in his voice, “I don’t think we should talk about this now.”  
  
“Why?” He exploded. “I been trying to talk to you about this for years! I just wanna know if you wanna kiss me.”  
  
“It’s not about kissing, Vince!” Howard snapped suddenly. “It’s never been about kissing. It’s about everything that comes after it. You know very well that I’m not interested in just kissing anyone! You might be happy to gad about, kissing anyone you may fancy and never thinking of them again, but that’s not me, sir! I would think you would know that about me.”  
  
“Oh, I see,” Vince snapped. “You think that I’m only capable of a quick snog and then that’s it? Not good enough to go out with the great Howard bloody Moon, like you’re so special!”  
  
“I’m quite aware you think me nothing of the sort,” Howard sighed. “You’ve made that clear enough over the years. I’m just an old fool you put up with when there’s no one more interesting around!”  
  
“Get stuffed, Howard!” He shouted, feeling his eyes sting with tears. “You were the one that didn’t even want to hang out when it was just the two of us! You’d rather have an imaginary friend.”  
  
“Well, better that than to be continuously told I’m not good enough!” Howard shouted. “This may come as a surprise to you, Vince, but constantly hearing how boring and uninteresting you think I am can grow old!”  
  
“What are you on about?” Vince said.  
  
“You!” Howard snapped. “All the pointed comments about how I dress and what I care about. I can see how desperate you are to find new friends.”  
  
This was all wrong. Vince wished he could see Howard. It was like trying to explain over the phone; he hated relying on his words. Howard always managed to make them get tangled in his head or twist them to mean something else and he couldn’t keep up. “It’s you that’s always leaving, Howard,” Vince said slowly. “To the zoo or uni or off with Lester. Did you expect me to wait at home for you on me own?”  
  
“What?” Howard sounded genuinely surprised at this. “I wasn’t… that is to say… Vince, I would never-” There was a loud bang from wherever Howard was.  
  
“What was that?” Vince said, jumping in surprise.  
  
“I don’t know,” Howard said, sounding nervous. “I just… I think it’s trying to get in.”  
  
Fear trickled up Vince’s spine. “What is it?”  
  
“I don’t know, but it, err, it sounds angry,” Howard said. Vince could hear the fear in his voice. “It’s been trying for awhile, I think I’m safe for now. But, could you, err... Could you hurry?”  
  
“I’m coming, Howard,” he said feeling panicked. He reached forward immediately and touched the glass.  


TBC


	5. Chapter five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was a painting of him hanging directly in front of him. Not actually him, clearly, and it was technically a half-man, half-bird taking flight from a cage. But it was also, without a doubt, him. He started at it for a long moment, resisting the urge to reach out and touch it. He blinked, trying to break free from the trace the picture had put him in and turned to the door closest to him and opened it.

**Chapter five**

 

He found himself in a dim room, light was filtering softly through a window, but not making its way very far across the wooden floorboards. Most of the furniture was covered with white sheets. It felt like no one had been in the room for years. There was a sort of melancholy to it, like something abandoned. Vince picked his way carefully through the room, not wanting to disturb anything as he went.

 

His heart was still beating with fear. It hadn’t occurred to him that Howard might be in danger, other than of Vince never actually being able to find him. He’d thought Howard would be fine. Now he felt stupid for having delayed as long as he had.

 

Once outside of the room, he moved quickly, wanting to figure out where he was before he got going again. The house was big and he opened every door he passed, just in case, but most of them were like the one he’d first found; furniture covered in dust sheets and shutters closed. After looking fruitlessly upstairs he made his way down the curved staircase. He turned to walk down the hall and stopped abruptly.

 

There was a painting of him hanging directly in front of him. Not actually him, clearly, and it was technically a half-man, half-bird taking flight from a cage. But it was also, without a doubt, him. He started at it for a long moment, resisting the urge to reach out and touch it. He blinked, trying to break free from the trace the picture had put him in and turned to the door closest to him and opened it.

 

He found himself in a large kitchen which opened into a bright conservatory. He sucked in a breath abruptly. Howard was there, sitting in a beautiful wooden chair, looking out over the windswept garden outside. Again, there was no doubt that it was Howard, the slope of his nose and little eyes made it obvious. But the man must have been at least 100, frail and small looking, with a blanket over his knees.

 

“Howard?” Vince asked, trying to keep his voice gentle so as not to startle him and give him a heart attack.

 

The man turned his head and froze. His eyes widening almost comically. “Bauer?” His voice was hoarse from age and perhaps disuse but still clearly Howard’s. Vince watched as his eyes filled with tears even as he smiled warmly. “Have you come for me at last?” He paused and frowned at him. “You could have at least dressed for the occasion.”

 

Vince unfroze at the jab and looked down at his clothes. Howard had complimented the blouse when he first bought it; if he were being completely honest it was part of the reason he liked it so much. But it was looking pretty rumpled after so many days of continued wear and his hair was probably a raven nightmare by now. He shifted uncomfortably. “I ain’t him,” he said eventually, feeling bad about having to admit it. “I just… I really need to find my friend. He looks just like you but, like, a million years younger.”

 

Howard frowned at him before chuckling. “Who are you?”

 

“My name’s Vince, I’m not from here.” He was never sure what various incarnations might believe and he really didn’t want to get into a conversation with an old man who probably spent a lot of his days confused anyway.

 

“You’ve lost him?” Howard said, looking for a moment like he might try and stand. “Come closer, my eyes aren’t what they are.”

 

Vince paused, thoughts of Howard trapped and probably in danger hanging in his mind, but in the end he walked a few paces into the room. “Yeah, something like that.”

 

Howard gasped when he was stood directly in front of him. “You are him,” he said. “Made slightly wrong, of course. But all the pieces are there. I lost him too, you understand. Years ago now. Too many. I thought… but, no, not yet I suppose. Not time for Rosey to join him yet. Probably still hasn’t forgiven me for getting rid of the phones.”

 

“Rosey?” Vince asked, cutting into his ramble. “Is that your name?” He waited for a nod of confirmation before he continued talking. “I’m looking for my friend. I think he’s in real trouble and I need to find him quickly.”

 

Rosey looked at Vince for a moment. “I’m sorry, being parted from love is…” He paused and looked away, back out to the garden. “It’s been years but I still think he’ll be back any moment. Perhaps he’s just creating something too beautiful to leave. He’d do that sometimes. Unless someone would fetch him, he’d lose himself. Maybe that’s why he didn’t notice how ill he was… I don’t know.”

 

Vince sighed and crouched down so he was at eye level with the other man. He didn’t want to lose his temper but the fear of what might be happening to Howard made it hard. “Rosey, I really need to find my friend. Do you know where he is?”

 

Rosey met his eyes and froze for a moment, his face softening immediately. His eyes filled with tears again and he looked so sad for a moment that Vince wanted to look away. “There you are,” he whispered. “I’ve missed you, my love.”

 

Vince swallowed heavily passed the lump in his throat. “Me too,” he whispered, then not sure what else to say added, “not long now, Rosey.”

 

Rosey reached out a large hand, it shook slightly with age but was soft when he cupped Vince cheek. “Yes,” he answered, a tear making its way out of one of his eyes and slowly running across his lined face. “Not long now, I think.”

 

He wasn’t getting anywhere. “I need to leave now, I’m sorry,” he said softly.

 

“Of course,” Rosey said with another sad smile. “Always were in a hurry. Never could get you to slow down.”

 

On impulse Vince leant forward and pressed a chaste kiss to the other man’s lips. “I’ll see you soon, Rosey,” he whispered before getting to his feet.

 

Rosey kept his eyes closed, only now he was smiling softly. “Goodbye, my love,” he said.

 

Vince felt rattled as he made his way back through the house. Now it didn’t look so much abandoned to him as it did like it was waiting. Perhaps for Bauer’s return. The thought was so painful that Vince took the stairs two at a time and then marched quickly to the mirror.

 

———

 

“Howard?” Vince said when he landed next.

 

There was the sound of banginging before Howard answered over the noise. “Vince? How are you getting on?”

 

“I’m coming,” he said, looking around. He was back in their flat. “How long do you think the door will hold?”

 

“I don’t know,” he said. “It’s pretty sturdy, but whatever it is, it’s very persistent.”

 

“Okay,” Vince said, swallowing and trying to shake the feeling of dread that had settled over him. “Just hold on.”

 

He dropped the necklace and balled his fists. He needed to hurry up, but there was no way to really make the process quicker that he could think of. He tried over the next three stops, pausing only long enough to ask if they’d seen a new Howard before returning to the mirror. But, the feeling was starting to grow in him that this was a hopeless task. Just because the mirror was taking him to other versions of him, didn’t mean that Howard would even be in the same country he landed in, let alone the same building. He could have been in the right universe ages ago and he’d never know.

 

By the sixth universe he was desperate and tried talking to the Naboo there again. He was as useless as the others. He kept going, but after a few more stops his fear made him stop and take the necklace in his hand.

 

“Howard?” he said.

 

“Vince?” Howard said, his voice clearly panicked now. “How are you getting on?”

 

“I don’t know what I’m even doing!” he admitted, feeling wretched and scared. “I’m sorry Howard, I’m trying, but I don’t know how to find you.”

 

“It’s okay,” Howard said, his voice only wavering slightly. “You tried, I know you did.”

 

Panic flared hot and terrifying for a moment. “No,” he said, his voice sounding weirdly high and distorted. “I’ll find you.”

 

He reached out and touched the mirror without waiting for an answer.

 

He barely saw the next few universes, they seemed to pass by in a blur of panicked glimpses of rooms and faces and hurried conversations. He briefly saw another Dan, this one with longer hair and a scowl on his face and another Pete, running with his dogs. He felt sick with fear, images of what Vince had looked like when he’d lost Howard swirling in his head as he touched the mirror over and over. He was sure now that if something happened to Howard, that would be it. Howard would be lost forever. He’d never even find his body, let alone figure out where the rest of him was sent.

  
The Howards he met looked increasingly concerned as he babbled through the story, in turns demanding and begging for help. But none of them were able to offer any assistance. No one had any idea where his Howard might be or how Vince could find him.  
   
Finally he came to another version of their flat, there was something that looked disturbingly like a wedding photo framed on the wall of the living room. He stopped, staring at it before reaching up to touch his necklace. “Howard?” his voice was small and scared sounding in the empty room.  
  
There was the loud bang of a heavy object meeting wood, before Howard shouted over it. “Vince? Are you-?”  
  
“I’m sorry, Howard,” he cut in, not wanting to let him finish.

 

There was another loud crash this time accompanied by the sound of splintering wood. Vince jumped. “Howard?” he called.

 

“I think,” Howard said softly. “I think it’s nearly inside.” His voice wasn’t as terrified as it usually was when he faced death. It was more like when they’d been in the Arctic and Jack Frost had been on his way to freeze them.

 

Vince felt sick and his head swam. He leant heavily against a wall unable to take his eyes off the picture of him and Howard grinning at each other in suits. He wondered if he’d eaten enough to actually throw up or not. “I’m,” he started, “I’m going to try again, okay? Just hold on.”

 

“No!” Howard’s voice did sound scared then. “Don’t leave me. Just… it’s too late, Vince. Just stay with me.”

 

“No,” Vince shook his head and pushed himself away from the wall towards the mirror. “I can find you. I always find you. Just wait.”

 

“I think not this time, little man,” Howard said, his voice shaking a bit. “Even if you got here now, I don’t think you’d be able to do much but get eaten too.”

 

Vince head swam again. He screwed his eyes shut and sank to the floor. “Howard,” he whispered, feeling his eyes start to sting. “Howard, I’m so sorry. I tried, I really did.”

 

“I know, Vince,” he said, his voice tight. “I know you did. It’s okay, really.”

 

He could hear more wood splintering in the background and gripped the necklace so hard that it bit painfully into his skin. He thought he could hear a growling now too. “I don’t want you to die.” Vince could feel he was crying. It was such a stupid thing to say but it was all that wanted to come out of his mouth.

 

Howard let out a small chuckle. “Me either, little man. I wanted to see you again.” There was a pause. “I’d been planning some days out for us while I waited.”

 

“Yeah?” Vince sniffed and wiped at his eyes.

 

“Yeah, I was going to take you to London Zoo so we could make fun of the keepers.”

 

Vince laughed a bit wetly. “Their uniforms are well boring and they don’t know anything about how to make the animals look good.”

 

“Yeah,” Howard said, raising his voice above the din. “Then I thought we could maybe take a drive out to the countryside. I know you miss being around animals.”

 

Vince wiped his eyes and nodded even though Howard couldn’t see him.

 

“And I thought…” The noise was so loud Vince was struggling to hear him. “Maybe we could go shopping.”

 

“I love you, Howard.” The words seem to burst right out of him. Like they’d been trapped for years. Which, they probably had. It certainly felt like it when they were finally out. He had a momentary burst of elation followed quickly by the strong desire to sob and beg the universe for more time.

 

“I love you too, Vince. Thanks for trying to rescue me.” Howard’s voice was fond and sad.

 

Vince felt more tears trickle down his cheeks. “No, Howard,” he said desperately, “I mean it. I mean I’m _in_ love with you. I’ve always been in love with you.”

 

“Oh _Vince,”_ Howard said, it sounded like he might be crying too but Vince wasn’t sure. “I-”

 

There was a loud crack followed by a scream of pain and then nothing. “Howard!” he shouted, only to be met with silence. “Howard? Howard can you hear me?”

 

“ _Finally.”_

Vince turned his head to the source of the new voice and dragged himself to his feet. His heart was beating wildly and tears were streaming down his face. He felt ready to do something drastic.

 

There, leaning against the wall of the living room nonchalantly, was the old man from the street. Only, as Vince watched, he suddenly didn’t look quite so old anymore. His face smoothed out, to reveal pointed features and eyebrows that arched high over his sharp cheekbones and mismatched eyes. His hair was now blond and styled to be stuck up on his head and then long at the sides. All of which was before you got to what he was wearing which could only be described as glam rock meets fantasy, complete with a very impressive codpiece. He looked, frankly, amazing and Vince would no doubt have commented as much were he not simultaneously trying not to start sobbing and shouting. He took deep breaths and stared instead.

 

“I thought you’d never get there. I’ve never met such a repressed version in all my time,” the man continued as he began to inspect his nails.

 

“What’s going on? Are you-?” Vince managed eventually, his brain struggling to keep up with what he was seeing.

 

“I am in the form you are most likely to comprehend,” the man said with a look of deep exasperation. “I am not the Earth singer David Bowie, nor a fictional character from a children’s film, no.”

 

“Oh,” Vince said, blinking and then scowling. “Where’s Howard? What just happened to him? If you’ve hurt him-” He took a few steps forward, not sure what he was even threatening but he certainly felt like he was on the edge of doing something very drastic if he didn’t start getting answers.

 

Not-Bowie arched an eyebrow at him, which was an incredible feat, given how high they were anyway. “Yes?” he asked, one half of his mouth quirking. “What would you do about it exactly?”

 

Vince balled his hands into fists. “I don’t know,” he admitted, “but I would spend the rest of my life figuring it out.”

 

The rest of the man’s mouth joined in on his smile. The effect wasn’t altogether pleasant. “Do you know, I believe that you would? You’ve proven quite stubborn enough already.”

 

“Where’s Howard?” Vince asked again, now done with the conversation.

 

“He’s at your silly little shop,” he said with a sigh.

 

“Take me to him!” Vince said immediately. His heart refused to slow down its frantic beating. It was at least the third time that week that he thought Howard might be dead and he was done with the feeling.

 

“What makes you think you’re in any position to be giving me orders?” There was a definite edge to Not-Bowie’s voice now; it seemed to drop several degrees in the room as he spoke. “You wished him gone, remember? I’m just fulfilling your request.”

 

“This wasn’t what I meant!” Vince hissed. “You know it ain’t. I’d never want anything bad to happen to Howard.”

 

The man’s green and blue eyes fixed Vince with a piercing stare. “Then what do you want?”

 

“I…” Vince said, suddenly unsure. Everything had been so strange and confusing over the last few days, he wasn’t really sure what he wanted any more. “I don’t… I want Howard to be safe and you to bugger off to wherever you came from.” It was easier to fall back on the anger, it felt more familiar.

 

Not-Bowie sighed heavily. “Oh dear,” he said. “Have you really not learnt anything since we began this? Perhaps a few hundred more trips through the mirror might help. Or, if not, I can always revert to your original wish?”

 

“What the hell are you going on about? Why do you even care?” Vince could feel his face heating as he spoke, feeling exposed and scared.

 

“I can grant wishes to keep things ordered in the universe,” he said. “But sometimes the recipients of those wishes don’t know what’s good for them and, if they got what they asked for, the universe would collapse. It then falls to me to teach them the error of their ways.”

 

Vince tried to puzzle out what he was saying for a few moments before he gave up.  “What are you on about?”

 

Not-Bowie rolled his eyes. “Have you perhaps noticed something about all the places you’ve visited?”

 

“Well, yeah, me and Howard are… you know.” It shouldn’t be hard to say it out loud, not after everything, but was. It still made him lock up and his heart start to race; the words lodging in his throat.

 

Not-Bowie looked moments away from smacking him on the back of his head. “That didn’t strike you as at all odd?”

 

“I dunno, yeah, at first. But, they all seemed happy about it, so.” He shrugged and trailed off, not quite able to meet the other man's eyes. He was clearly missing something but he’d never been very good when teachers and the like put him on the spot with questions. He wished Howard were there to field the question, he often didn’t know the answer either but it got the teacher off his back.

 

“You didn’t think it odd that in not ONE of those universes was there a you and him that weren’t… _you know_ ,” he said the final words with a scowl and air quotes.

 

“I dunno,” Vince said, starting to feel stressed and his anger rising again. “Why don’t you stop showing off and just bloody tell me if that’s what you came here to do. I don’t got all day and I wanna see Howard.”

 

He was fixed with another cold stare. Vince felt certain that those were not the eyes of a human. “I hoped you might work it out. But fine,” he said with sigh. “There are a number of pillars that hold up the roof of the universes. Constants, if you will. They are what keep gravity in check and suns spinning the right way, even every atom from flying apart. Without these pillars spanning the multiverse… well.” He clapped his hands loudly making Vince jump rather more violently than he’d care to admit. “It would all fold in on itself. Gone.”

 

“What are you on about and what’s it got to do with me and Howard?” Vince wanted to back away from the cold, hard stare being sent his way, but forced himself not to. He hadn’t spent years facing down other shoppers in the sales to be that easily intimidated.

 

“Your little _romance_ ,” he said it with the same feeling Vince might infuse ‘jazz’ or ‘washing up’ with, “is one of those pillars. It’s my unfortunate fate to keep you ticking along and in love. Or, at the very least, aware of your love.”

 

Vince blinked a few times. “I gotta know I’m in love with Howard or the universe ends?”

 

Two very manicured eyebrows were raised at him. “Sad, isn’t it? The ways of the universe are strange indeed.”

 

“I don’t understand,” he said, there seemed to be too much information to keep in his head. “Why did you pretend to be an old man when I first met you and where’s Howard been?”

 

Not-Bowie gave him a look that suggested he was too stupid to be allowed to live. “I told you I appear in the image you would best accept. I think even you might have been suspicious of receiving gifts from someone who looks like this.”

 

He had a point but Vince wasn’t going to admit it, so he just tried to muster the hardest glare he could. “What about Howard and what was trying to get into his room?” he prompted when the glare didn’t even seem to have been noticed.

 

Not-Bowie smiled his unpleasant smile again. “He’s been staying with me,” he said. “He’s been a pleasure to have around, in fact. It can get boring without company sometimes, so it’s been delightful to be able to watch over him while he’s been with me. He can be quite attractive in certain… _positions._ ”

 

Something in his tone combined with the leer made a sort of sick fury creep up Vince’s spine. “If you even _looked_ at him when he didn’t want you too, you old pervert, I’ll-”

 

He was cut off by a cold laugh. “Now, now Vince, I thought you weren’t sure how you felt about him. But, never fear, he’s perfectly fine and completely unharmed. My little pet was only playing.”

 

The fight seem to drain out of him. He felt so tired suddenly he didn’t even want to continue to stand. He sighed and tried to look unaffected. “So Howard ain’t dead and I can go now?” he asked, not quite daring to believe it could be true. He didn’t care about any more of the reasons for all of this happening; he just wanted to go home.

 

“Yes,” he said. “You can go, but do try and remember what you’ve learnt. I don’t want to come back and if I have to, I won’t be nearly so kind.” He waved Vince off, gesturing toward the mirror.

 

“Right, see ya,” he said, turning and starting his way over to the mirror before stopping and slowly spinning back around to face the other man again. “Are you saying me and Howard have to bum or I’ll end the universe?”

 

“Dear me no,” he said. “Your knowledge of your feelings is enough. But, perhaps think about what you’ve seen and what seems to make the other yous most happy? And no more wishes you don’t really mean. It makes my job frightfully difficult. When I gave you that thing, I thought you might have the good grace to wish Howard fell in love with you or something. Do think next time, won’t you?”

 

Vince nodded to his boots. “Yeah, whatever. See you around.” He felt sour about his treatment and in no mood to continue the conversation. But he was also aware that being too rude to a genie was probably a bad move. So he held up his hand and gave a small wave goodbye before marching up to the mirror and reaching out an only slightly shaking hand to touch it.

 

——-

 

It was their flat. His knees sagged when he landed again but he stumbled forward, noticing the leftover spell ingredients Naboo had been using what felt like years ago now on the kitchen table. But he didn’t stop his stagger towards the stairs, his heart in his throat. He was running by the time he was at the bottom step and pushing his way into the shop.

 

“Howard!” he called, terror clawing at his chest at the thought of what might greet him.

 

“Vince?” And then there he was, standing in the middle of the shop, wearing the same clothes as when he’d last seen him. “Oh thank goodness,” he said striding towards him.

 

Vince let out an embarrassing little sob and threw himself into Howard’s arms. He wrapped his arms firmly around the other man’s shoulders and pulled him close.

 

“Hey now, little man,” Howard whispered into his hair, his arms coming slowly up to wrap around Vince’s back. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

 

“No I’m not!” Vince burst out, pulling back so he could look at Howard. “I thought you were dead. _Again_!” He could feel the tears rolling down his cheeks but he couldn’t have stopped them even if he wanted to. “It is really you, isn’t it?” he said after a moment; he didn’t think he would be able to bear it if it turned out that this was the wrong universe again.

 

“It’s me,” Howard said. “We were just talking about a trip to the zoo before we got interrupted.”

 

Vince thought he might start crying again so he buried his face into Howard’s chest instead. The feeling of relief was so great that his legs started to feel shaky and he realised that he was trembling in Howard’s arms.

 

“Oh Vince,” Howard said softly. “It’s okay. Come on, let me get you upstairs. I’ll make you something to eat.”

 

Vince nodded and tried to take a step back but stumbled the moment Howard released him from his grip. “Wow,” he said, gripping Vince’s arm and pulling him close again. “It’s okay, I’ve got you. When was the last time you ate something? Or slept?”

 

Vince didn’t know the answer to any of that so he just leaned into Howard and turned his head to breathe in the slightly musty smell of his cardigan. He let Howard half carry him back up the stairs and towards the sofa. He was placed down with more care than he might usually expect. He closed his eyes and bent forward so his head was resting on his clasped hands between his knees; he wasn’t sure he had the energy to lift it.

 

“Here,” Howard said moments later.

 

Vince prised his eyes open to find the other man crouched down in front of him holding out a glass of orange juice. “Howard,” he said when their eyes met.

 

“You should have some of this,” Howard said, his voice gentle. “The sugar will do you good.”

 

“I told you I loved you,” Vince said. It felt like he was in a dream, but it felt vital that he say the words, test them out to see if they were real.

 

Howard swallowed heavily but he didn’t look away. “You did,” he confirmed, his face not betraying any particular emotion.

 

“You were about to say something when the door…” He didn’t want to finish the memory, if he could have never thought about that moment again, he’d be happy. But it was too important. He needed to know.

 

“I was,” Howard agreed. He shifted, looking uncomfortable.

 

“Well?” he prompted when Howard didn’t speak for a long moment. “What were you going to say?”

 

He did drop his eyes this time, looking at the floor. “You know what I was going to say, Vince,” he mumbled.

 

“Well?” Vince snapped, not sure why his voice sounded hard and brittle. “Did you mean it?”

 

Howard’s eyes darted back up, wide with surprise. “That’s not-” he cut himself off and sighed softly. “I wouldn’t ask you this, Vince,” he said eventually, seeming distressed. “I know you wanted to be kind to me at the end, but now we’re safe, it’s not fair to-”

 

“It’s not fair to what, Howard?” Vince snapped. He could feel the humiliation starting to press down on him. It was like Howard’s party all over again, only much, much worse. The hope was always worse than knowing the truth all along. “Be in love with you when you don’t love me back? Don’t you think I _know_ that? I’ve been trying for years to...” He knew he was going to cry again, but he guessed it didn’t really matter at this point. It was too late to do anything about looking stupid and pathetic. “I can’t stop it, okay? I’ve tried but it don’t work. So, I’m sorry if it makes you _uncomfortable_ but it’s breaking _my_ heart, so maybe you could try giving a shit about that for once instead. You’re meant to be my best friend, so could you try and be even a little bit bothered about what this is like for me?”

 

“Vince,” Howard said, his eyes wide and worried. “Vince, stop it, please don’t cry. I don’t understand what you’re saying.” Howard’s hand fluttered close to Vince’s face for a moment before it brushed some hair from his forehead. “I never wanted to… I never want you to be upset. I just…” Howard sighed and placed the glass down on the floor. “I thought I’d made my feelings for you clear years ago.”

 

Vince sniffed. “You did,” he admitted feeling small and stupid. He wished Howard would stop looking at him. “But I can’t help that I still feel this way. I did try and stop.”

 

“No,” Howard said, sounding frustrated. “I mean, Vince, of _course_ I love you.”

 

Vince blinked, a couple of stray tears running down his cheeks. He swallowed but no words seemed to form so he just continued to stare ahead.

 

“I’ve loved you since I knew what the word even meant,” Howard said, there was something like wonder in the other man’s eyes and Vince found he couldn’t look away. “I have composed sonnets about your eyes and several hundred couplets about the shape of your face and sound of your voice. Yesterday I wrote a haiku about those red cowboy boots you got at the market the other week. I think about you everyday and think I might love you less or find a way to control these feelings, but it never happens. It only grows. Of _course_ I love you. I thought you knew that.”

 

It wasn’t that he didn’t understand the words Howard was saying. He thought he might even get the bits about poetry. But somehow when it came to putting them all together something kept shorting in his brain and refusing to form a coherent meaning. “Then,” Vince said slowly. “Then what the _hell_ have you been doing all these years? Why didn’t you say something?” It came out angry and much louder than he meant it to.

 

“I didn’t think you wanted me to!” Howard said, his face closing quickly from the open and warm expression of moments before. “You’ve always been more interested in girls or your new band or whatever… I was waiting for you to want me to tell you.”

 

It was a ridiculous thing to say. Where did Howard get off making this all his fault? “I wasn’t stopping you!”

 

“You weren’t-?” Howard looked so outraged for a moment that he looked like he might get up and storm from the room. But instead he let out a long breath and hung his head. “Maybe,” he said eventually. “I don’t know anymore.”

 

There was a long pause where Vince stared at the top of Howard’s head without knowing what to do. “Take me to bed, Howard,” he found himself saying.

 

Howard blinked up at him, his eyes wide and confused.

 

“Just… Just take me to bed,” he repeated. “Please.”

 

Howard stared at him for a moment before nodding his head once and climbing to his feet. He held out a hand silently and Vince took it.

 

His room was dark and quiet but Howard didn’t turn on the lights. Instead he gently moved Vince to the bed, encouraging him to sit. Then he knelt at his feet and began unlacing his shoes. He worked quickly and quietly, removing his boots and socks. Vince could do little more than watch him with heavy eyes. They were gritty from where he’d been crying and lack of sleep. He felt simultaneously too hot and a bit cold without anything on his feet.

 

“Hang on,” Howard said softly, getting up and walking from the room.

 

Vince watched him go and then slowly began unbuttoning his blouse. He really wanted a shower but he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to stand up for long enough. He was just struggling out of the soft material when Howard appeared in the doorway holding a bowl and a flannel.

 

“Here,” he said, quickly placing the bowl down next to the bed and helping Vince with his clothes. It should have felt weird getting undressed with Howard there, but it didn’t.

 

“Right,” Howard said, reaching for the flannel and wringing it out into the bowl, “let’s see, shall we?”

 

Vince wasn’t sure what he meant until the material made contact with his face. Howard started by gently sweeping it across his brow and then down the slope of his nose. It was such an unexpected and nice sensation that all the tension seemed to drain from his shoulders and he let out a long slow breath. Howard reached out to refresh the flannel before coming back to wipe it softly across his cheeks and over his closed eyes. Vince took long slow breaths, letting the sensation seep into his bones. Howard continued his ministrations, moving from his face down his neck and briefly over his shoulders. When he was done, Vince felt almost dizzy with tiredness and Howard patted him dry gently and encouraged him to lie down.

 

He wriggled out of his jeans and slid over to the far side of the bed. He turned his head to look over at Howard, watching him silently. He didn’t have any words but the other man seemed to understand because he climbed up into the bed with him and lay down facing the ceiling. He was still fully clothed but he’d kicked his shoes off at least. Vince paused for a moment before shifting closer to him, so their shoulders brushed.

 

They were quiet, watching the shadows move across his ceiling for a long time. “I want to sleep,” Vince said eventually. “Will you stay?”

 

Howard turned his head on his pillow to look at him. “Of course,” he said. “Always.”

 

Vince nodded and then, very slowly, edged closer to Howard again so he could lay his head down on his shoulder. “I’m sorry I shouted at you,” he whispered.

 

Howard’s arm came out to wrap around Vince and pull him closer. “It’s okay. I’m sorry too.”

 

“I do love you,” Vince said. It felt much easier when they were so close but not looking at each other. He snaked his arm over Howard’s chest so he could align their bodies fully.

 

“I love you too, Vince.” Howard dropped a kiss onto his head, a soft press of lips to the crown. It made Vince feel flushed with warmth.

 

“Don’t go,” he said. He didn’t even know why, but the thought Howard might suddenly disappear at any moment lingered. “I don’t want you to go.”

 

“I’m not,” he said, his voice strong and certain. “Vince, I’m not leaving. Not again. Not if you want me with you.”

 

His eyes were stinging again so he closed them and nuzzled into Howard’s shoulder. “I want you here.”

 

“Good. Then here’s where I’ll be.” Vince could feel the words rumble out of Howard’s chest. It was nice, a physical reminder that he was really there, really saying the words. He felt them settle into his own chest releasing something painful and tight that had been there for years.

 

“I’m so sorry about everything,” Vince mumbled, starting to feel sleepy.

 

“I know, and I’m sorry for everything I did. I know I’m hard to live with sometimes. But, thank you for coming and rescuing me again.” His words were accompanied by another kiss to his head and Vince arched up into it.

 

“This was my fault,” he admitted. He should have said it earlier but he certainly didn’t want it hanging over them now. He was done with keeping things to himself.

 

“I highly doubt that,” Howard said softly, running a hand down Vince’s bare arm. “But you don’t have to tell me everything tonight. There’s plenty of time.”

 

The touch made him shudder with pleasure. He moved closer, pressing himself tightly into Howard’s hip. “I don’t want us to keep secrets anymore,” he said, moving his hand so he could slip it inside Howard’s shirt. He could feel the way it made the other man’s breath hitch.

 

“Okay,” Howard said, his voice a bit breathless. “No more secrets. Get some sleep, little man, we can talk more tomorrow.”

 

“Tomorrow?” He felt anxious again. He didn’t want to fall asleep, some part of him certain that this was all going to go away if he closed his eyes. He didn’t want Howard to have time to change his mind or rewrite what had happened. “I don’t… you promise?”

 

“Yes,” Howard said, his hand now tracing patterns over Vince’s back. “I promise.”

 

Vince wanted to push back into the touch while still pressing into Howard’s body. “Goodnight Howard,” he whispered softly.

 

“Goodnight Vince,” Howard replied.

 

Vince tried to relax, tried to let himself give in to his exhaustion. But every time his eyes dropped shut he’d jerk and they’d fly open again. Some part of him didn’t quite believe that he was really home. That Howard was safe, was with him, was actually talking about his feelings. It was more strange than seeing all the other Howards he’d been with over the last few days.

 

But Howard stubbornly refused to suddenly disappear in a puff of smoke. Instead he ran his long, clever fingers over Vince’s back and dropped the odd kiss onto his head. Eventually he slowly felt himself relax, bit by bit as Howard’s hands ran over his skin. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so taken care of. This seen and cherished. Probably not since Howard had let Vince into his bed with him.

 

He closed his eyes. And slept.

 

——

 

He woke suddenly the next morning, his eyes flying open and his heart jumping in fear. He searched for a moment until his eyes came to rest on the figure next to him. Howard was sleeping peacefully, his face soft and relaxed. Vince watched the steady rise and fall of his chest and let out a slow breath, his panic slowly disapaiting. He felt better for having slept, but a heavy weight of embarrassment fell over him as he remembered the previous day; both his tears and subsequent argument with Howard.

 

They’d confessed they were in love with each other.

 

He was reluctant to examine the thought too closely. The whole thing seemed unreal. A few days ago it would have been impossible to even consider it. But, a lot had happened since then. Too much really, it didn’t want to all fit inside his head. He’d kissed Howard, seen what sort of couple they might make, how Howard might come alive under his touch, what happened to them without the other there. He’d heard Howard die. He didn’t know what to do with all of that information.

 

He couldn’t quite imagine what would happen when Howard woke up. There was so much they needed to discuss. The thought made him feel tired and anxious. Some part of him was desperate to just forget the whole thing, knowing that it would never, could never, work out. There was too much between them, too much hurt and too many misunderstandings. But, then he remembered Howard’s words the day before, how he’d looked after him and held him as he went to sleep. He didn’t want that to go away either.

 

He shifted across the bed toward the other man, tired of thinking and wanting to get the next bit over with so he could either move on or figure out what they were going to do now. He wasn’t sure what to do exactly, but decided on pressing himself into Howard’s side and laying his head on the other man’s chest. It wasn’t quite a chaste move, but it was still something he could easily laugh off if he needed to.

 

Howard shifted immediately, coming awake. He looked down to meet Vince’s eyes and then he smiled sleepily. Vince’s heart fluttered in his chest at the expression: warm and open. “Good morning, little man,” he said. His voice was rough from sleep and he looked soft and a bit rumpled. “How are you feeling?”

 

Vince couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face. “I’m alright,” he said, turning his head to bury his face into Howard’s chest, feeling a bit shy at the close scrutiny.

 

“Yesterday,” Howard started and Vince froze, wondering if he could keep his face turned away from him forever. “I… I’m sorry if I came on a bit strong. I didn’t mean to pressure you. I understand if you don’t want…” Vince chanced a look up and found Howard looking uncomfortable and a little anxious, but also determined. It made him feel very fond and a bit teary which was plain embarrassing. Howard swallowed heavily. “I mean to say, I will always be your friend, Vince. You don’t have to be my… my _partner_ for me to stay in your life. But, I, well, I would be honoured if, that is to say…”

 

Vince rolled his eyes but he could feel the heat rising to his cheeks as he did it. “Howard, are you trying to ask me out?” He couldn’t help the little swoop of his stomach as he said the words, like his whole body was filled with butterflies.

 

Howard blinked rapidly like he was surprised at himself. “Yes, yes I suppose I am…” he trailed off again, looking uncertain. “If you want to?”

 

Vince grinned and pushed himself up onto his elbow so he could see Howard better. “I just spent days rescuing you from a crazy genie with the biggest codpiece I’ve ever seen. I ain’t about to give you up now.” He hoped his voice sounded more sure and cool to Howard and less breathless and shaky than it did in his own head.

 

Howard smiled and reached up a big hand to cup Vince’s cheek softly, his thumb caressing the skin in slow strokes. “I’m glad to hear it,” he said, his eyes filling with affection and something Vince thought might be joy.

 

He ducked his head back into Howard’s chest, feeling embarrassed and overwhelmed. “This is well strange,” he said, into the cardigan that Howard was still inexplicably wearing. The same frustration and fear from the day before was coiled tight in his chest. The thought of how much time they’d wasted, how hurt Vince had felt for _years_ , made him want to scream or smash things. He didn’t know how to deal with them. “I hate that we waited this long,” he whispered.

 

Howard sighed. “So do I,” he said. “But, I suppose… maybe it wouldn’t have worked before?”

 

Vince looked up at Howard, frowning. “What do you mean?”

 

“Well,” Howard said, “when I first realised my feelings for you, we were both so young. I didn’t know anything of world. Perhaps now I can be a more, ah, a more worthy partner for you.”

 

It wasn’t true. Vince had literally seen the evidence of that himself. They could have been happy with each other for years if they’d just let themselves. But, he appreciated the sentiment anyway. The fact that Howard wanted to take some of that pain away, that he cared enough to try, helped. He let out a slow breath, feeling some of his anxiety begin to ease. “Yeah,” he said, not wanting to discourage Howard but not knowing what else to say. “I guess.”

 

They were quiet for a moment and then Howard very slowly wrapped his arm around Vince’s shoulders, as though worried about startling him, or perhaps not sure of his reaction. Vince pressed himself more firmly against Howard’s side in response, wanting to show how welcome, how wanted, the touch was.

 

Howard’s fingers began ghosting along the bare skin of his Vince’s arm. It was barely a touch, hardly there at all, but Vince felt it right down to his toes. Heat pooled low in his belly immediately, as though his body had just been waiting for this moment. Waiting for Howard to be so close, for his hands to finally be on Vince’s skin. He shivered, and shifted, wondering if he ought to pull back his hips from where they were currently pressed against Howard’s leg.

 

But Howard showed no signs of being bothered about the contact. He just sucked in a slightly hitching breath, and spread his legs, nudging closer to Vince and brought his other hand up to join in the gentle exploration of Vince’s skin. It made Vince’s heart skip, the idea that Howard was seeking out touch, _Vince’s_ touch, was almost overwhelming.

 

He wanted more and unsure how to get it, he shifted closer, hooking his leg up and over Howard’s. It brought his crotch into very close contact with Howard’s hip. He shivered again, the feeling was ridiculously good. He wanted to nudge himself against Howard again, but tried to hold still, not sure on the etiquette of humping before your first official kiss.

 

Howard’s breath seemed to stutter for a moment before he looked down at Vince. Their eyes met and caught. Then Howard began to move his hands again, this time moving from Vince’s arms, up over his shoulders and down his back. It was probably the most erotic moment of Vince’s life. He couldn’t help the little hitch of his hips this time. The thought of Howard so close, of all the possibilities was making his head swim. He was so turned on, it felt like he was going to die if he didn’t get some sort of friction.

 

But far from pulling back, Howard groaned low in his throat and pressed his leg back into Vince. It was too much. Vince shifted again, bringing his own hand up and pressing it firmly into Howard’s chest, before stroking down and running it over his belly.

 

He wished Howard weren’t in his usual thousand layers. He needed to feel some skin. So, he took a handful of his shirt and pulled it up, untucking it from his cords so he could slip his hand underneath. They both let out a breath at the contact.  He splayed his fingers out across Howard’s belly, feeling the rise and fall of it as Howard continued to breathe steadily. Soon that wasn’t enough so he moved his hand up to Howard’s chest and ran the tips of his fingers across the other man’s collar bone.

 

Howard’s eyes fluttered closed, and Vince watched, transfixed at the bob of his throat as the other man swallowed. His big hands stilled on Vince’s back before gripping and pulling him closer. The renewed friction made Vince let out a little moan. He tried to cover it by burying his head back into Howard’s chest. But his hands didn’t want to stop their exploration, moving over Howard’s ribs and back down to his belly. He paused, and then splayed his fingers again, his little finger caught in Howard’s waist band, dipping under the belt.

 

“Oh Vince,” Howard whispered. It was a breathy sound, more groan than real words.

 

Vince’s head swam again, lust shooting through his whole body like an electric current. He lifted his head from Howard’s shoulder. The other man’s eyes were still closed, but he didn’t look like he wasn’t enjoying the touch. Far from him, if the way he was pulling Vince closer was any indication. The sense of power, that _he_ was the reason Howard looked like that, made him feel too full of emotions. He couldn’t take it anymore and leant up to place a kiss on Howard’s lips.

 

Their first kiss. Well, first real kiss, not at sword point anyway. There was a moment where he wasn’t sure if Howard was going to respond, but then the other man let out a huff of breath and pressed back against his lips. One of Howard’s hands came up to tangle in Vince’s hair, the other dipping low on his back to bring him in further.

 

The kiss was amazing but soon not nearly enough and Vince needed more contact. He pushed himself up so he could shift over and lie entirely on Howard. He dropped his legs down so, he was straddling his hips and and rested most of his weight on his hands either side of Howard’s head. He then went straight back to the kiss which at this point was just a full-on snog. Howard’s mouth opened easily under his and then his tongue was in Howard’s mouth. It should have been weird. It probably was, but it didn’t feel weird. It felt amazing. He shifted, wanting to be able to tangle a hand in Howard's hair and their crotches brushed. Howard was hard and straining against him. All of Vince’s higher brain functions abruptly stopped working.

 

“Howard,” he breathed, shifting again pulling gently at the other man’s hair.

 

“Oh,” Howard breathed under him, a little noise of surprise and delight.

 

It made Vince pause, reminding him of where they were, of the fact that this was probably the first time this had ever happened to the other man. He smiled down at him. “This is genius,” he whispered.

 

Howard blinked up at him, his hands still lightly resting on Vince’s bare back. As he looked down at his friend’s confused but pleased expression, he was acutely aware that he was virtually naked and Howard was completely clothed. He was also suddenly aware of how badly he needed to shower.

 

He didn’t want to pull back too abruptly or ruin the mood, so he leant down and placed a kiss on Howard’s nose and then another on his forehead. “Good morning,” he grinned, looking down at him.

 

Howard smiled happily back up. “Morning.” He still sounded breathless and it made Vince very much not want to get off him, but he reluctantly sat up. Howard watched him closely, his eyes darting over Vince’s skin.

 

It made Vince want to both duck his head and hide and preen at the attention. Caught between which to do, he leant back in for another kiss. They got distracted for a few, very pleasant minutes, before Vince sat back up. “I need to shower,” he said.

 

Howard nodded. “Me too. But, I could make us some breakfast once we’re done?”

 

It was such a domestic suggestion, that Vince wasn’t sure what to do with it. He nodded, feeling a bit exposed and confused.

 

Howard frowned, his hand coming up to cup his face. “Are you okay?”

 

Vince nodded and then shrugged. “Yeah, just…” he turned his face into Howard’s palm, placing a kiss there. Whatever else he was feeling, and he wasn’t entirely sure what that was, he knew he liked having those big hands on him. “I’m fine. You go and shower first,” he said, carefully extracting himself from Howard and flopping back down on the bed.

 

He closed his eyes, feeling tired again and not wanting to move. Howard wriggled his way off the bed next to him. He paused for a moment, Vince could feel him standing near the bed and then a ghost of lips over his forehead. He smiled to himself as Howard left the room, letting himself float somewhere between sleep and wakefulness.

 

He waited for the sound of the shower but nothing happened. He lay still, straining to hear anything at all, his heart starting to speed up. Where was Howard? Why hadn’t he got to the bathroom yet? He froze, fear clawing at him until he heard the unmistakable sounds of the bathroom door opening and closing before the shower being turned on.

 

He slowly began to relax. But the thought that Howard might suddenly disappear lingered, making him feel anxious. He closed his eyes but images of what he’d seen over the last few days refused to leave him alone. It felt worried and sad and confused by the time Howard poked his head around this bedroom door, showered and redressed in fresh clothes.

 

“Shower’s free, little man,” he said. “I’ll just put breakfast on.”

 

Vince nodded even though Howard didn't wait to see it. He felt strange, almost like there was an itch he couldn’t reach, but in his brain or something. Just a general feeling of wrongness as he forced himself through his normal morning routine. It felt like he should be happy, like he ought to be floating on air. Howard loved him. Howard wanted him. It was brilliant. Like all his birthdays and Christmases and being at every Bowie and Stones gig all at once. But, that wasn’t all. He also felt restless and anxious but in a nebulous, confused sort of way.

 

He wondered what he ought to wear. What was a suitable outfit for the first day of being Howard’s boyfriend? Was he Howard’s boyfriend? Surely he was. Howard wasn’t the sort to roll around in bed with someone, tell them he loved them and then… He shrugged off the thought and rummaged through his wardrobe until he found a few things that Howard had commented on liking over the years. He then half-heartedly did his hair and face. It felt weird to be dressing up knowing it was for Howard; it made him feel silly and a bit ridiculous. But there was also no way he was letting Howard see him without making a bit of an effort. Especially after what a mess he’d been the night before.

 

He edged into the kitchen, feeling a bit exposed and unsure. He hated feeling like that around Howard. The kitchen table was groaning with food. Howard seemed to have made every single combination of breakfast food imaginable, everything from cereal to a fry up to pancakes to yogurt and fresh fruit.  

 

“Bloody hell, Howard,” he breathed, making the other man jump and spin around from where he was buttering some toast, “you make enough food?”

 

Howard blushed and shrugged. “I didn’t know how long it’s been since you ate and I wasn’t sure what you’d want so…”

 

“You made everything?” Vince wanted to smile, he could feel it pulling at the corners of his mouth, but it also made him feel a bit irritable too. Howard hadn’t seemed to care what Vince wanted to eat for months. He sat down at the far end of the table and pulled the closest mug of tea towards him.

 

Howard finished with the toast and put it down on the table, before picking up the sugar bowl and placing it down in front of Vince. “What do you fancy to eat first?”

 

Vince shrugged. His stomach felt tight with knots and he couldn’t really imagine eating anything. “Toast is good,” he said, not wanting to seem ungrateful.

 

Howard nodded, he could obviously tell Vince was in a bit of a mood, but didn’t say anything. He passed the plate of toast and went to sit at the other end of the table while Vince nibbled at it and tried to force a convincing smile on his face. “Thanks Howard,” he said, chewing and swallowing without really tasting anything, “this is all genius. You didn’t need to go to all this trouble for me.”

 

“I wanted to,” Howard said slowly. “I thought… I thought today’s a special day, a day that deserves to me marked. A feast was in order.” His voice was just a little too loud and jovial to be genuine and it made Vince duck his head again.

 

He took another bite of toast and tried to think of something to say to break the silence that was threatening to become awkward any moment. “What you wanna do today?” he asked in the end, not sure what else to say. He wondered if there was a handbook somewhere on how to suddenly be someone’s boyfriend when you hadn’t even really been their friend for months and months. He looked down at his plate and fiddled with his leftover crusts.

 

“Vince,” Howard said, his voice heavy. “Vince, are you going to look at me?”

 

Vince huffed. “Alright Captain Eye Contact, like you don’t spend half your time looking over people’s shoulder rather than at their face.” He undermined his point by not being able to quite look up and he sounded petulant rather than genuinely annoyed or teasing like he was aiming for.

 

“Vince,” Howard said again, in the same tone. “What’s wrong?”

 

He considered denying everything. He didn’t want to fight, he wanted to go back to how they were in bed, all soft and intimate with Howard smiling and his hands on Vince’s skin. But that might as well have been in one of those other universes for all he knew how to get back to it. “I don’t know,” he whispered. “I just…”

 

Howard got up and moved down the table to sit next to Vince. “Hey,” he said, his voice soft. “Come on, what’s happened? Did you… did you change your mind?”

 

Vince shook his head. Of course he hadn’t. He hadn’t changed his mind in over twenty years, he wasn’t about to do it when he was finally getting what he wanted.

 

“Then what is it?” Howard said again. Vince could hear the panic in his voice. “Was it what happened in the bedroom? Was it too fast? We don’t have to-”

 

Howard sounded so earnest and worried that Vince couldn’t help laughing, a little sound mirth. “No, Howard,” he said firmly. “I liked that. I just…” He couldn’t seem to speak, the words were all tangled up somewhere in his head and he couldn’t get hold of any to actually say out loud.

 

“What?” Howard said. “Vince you can tell me.”

 

“I’m just…” he tried and shrugged. “I don’t know. I just…”

 

“Vince,” Howard said, his voice starting to get a bit of a frustrated edge to it, “what is it?”

 

“I’m so _angry_ with you,” he burst out. He felt better the moment the words were out. “You’ve been _such_ a tit and now apparently it’s because you loved me and that’s great. But what about everything’s that happened? What about all those times I told you to get stuffed because I didn’t like hanging out with you anyway? And what about all them times you called me thick or I called you boring? What are we meant to do about that? I don’t want to look at you and feel like… like I did when you said you weren’t coming to my party no more. But, I can’t _help_ it.”

 

Howard was quiet for a long time when he was finished. Vince’s heart felt like it was going to burst from how fast it was beating. He’d ruined it. He was certain of it. Howard was going to see what a lost cause this whole thing was and chuck him again. He looked down at his lap waiting for Howard to say the words and finish it.

 

“When you broke my record,” Howard said eventually, “because of your new, much cooler friends I…” Vince looked up at him. Howard was wringing his hands nervously in his lap, not looking at Vince. “I thought… It broke my heart. Not because of the record, but because I didn’t know you anymore. My Vince would never have… You _knew_ how important it was to me, but being cool with your new friends was more important.”

 

Vince felt sick. That was one of the worst days of his life. But, he didn’t think it would be fair to mention that. It was Howard’s story and just because there were a hundred reasons, a million excuses, it didn’t take away the fact that Howard was also right.

 

“But,” Howard said, “when I found out you were sick, when I thought you might die, it felt like _I_ was dying too. I didn’t care what happened to me if it meant you’d be okay again.”

 

Vince sniffed, he wasn’t going to cry, but he felt paralysed with emotions. None of which made any sense. He felt elated to know Howard had cared so much, but also annoyed that he hadn’t just said that, sick with shame that he’d hurt him and terrified that he was never really going to be able to make it up to him. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled in the end, wishing he could go back to pretending that he didn’t have any emotions when it came to Howard. It was all too complicated and confusing.

 

“No,” Howard said, sounding a bit exasperated himself, “that’s not what I meant. I don’t need you to apologise. I just meant… I’m angry too. At myself more than you… So it’s okay to be angry with me. There’s a lot to… This isn’t going to be like if we just met at the library and fell in love over the dewey decimal system-”

 

“Oh my God,” Vince said, his mouth curving into a smile despite himself, “is that how you think people fall in love?”

 

“Libraries are very sensual places,” Howard replied primly. “All that knowledge in one place. A man could get drunk on it.”

 

“I’d be asleep before we could even snog,” Vince said. “If we were going to do it properly, couldn’t we just meet at a club like normal people?”

 

“A club?” It was Howard’s turn to sound outraged, but Vince could tell he was only teasing, his mouth was trying not to smile under his mustache. “I don’t go to clubs. What great romances have you ever heard of that started with stupid music and idiots grinding against each other?”

  
“Romeo and Juliette met a club,” Vince countered. “Like an old fashioned one, with masks and that, but it was a club.”

 

“And look how that turned out!” Howard said, a look of delighted triumph on his face.

 

“Fine,” Vince said, because otherwise he was going to start smiling and he didn’t feel ready for that. “How should we have met? If we were doing it now?”

 

Howard looked taken aback for a moment but then he rallied, looking defiant. “At the zoo,” he said. “You could have come for a tour and I would have wooed you with my extensive knowledge of the animals.”

 

Vince grinned. “As if, I’d have swept you off your feet because I can actually talk to animals, remember?” Although, Vince could actually imagine that well, how he’d have seen Howard in his uniform for the first time. All tall and serious and he probably would have swooned then and there.

 

“There’s a difference,” he said, smiling at him. “I know the science, Vince. It’s a field of study, not just a gift given at birth. But fine, you tell me in that case, how should we have met?”

 

“Easy,” Vince said. “You coming to my gig.” He liked that idea. Looking out across a crowd of adoring facing and seeing Howard for the first time. Standing at the back, because he’s such an awkward freak, but transfixed by Vince’s shapes.

 

“But I taught you how to play,” Howard pointed out. “How could I come to your gig if you didn’t know how to be in a band? If anything, _you_ would have come to see _me_.”

 

“Why would I have been at some boring old jazz gig?” Vince asked.

 

“Fine,” Howard said, throwing up his hands. “Then I guess we’re stuck with what we have.”

 

Vince huffed a laugh. “Yeah, I guess so.”

 

Howard very slowly reached out and placed his hand over Vinces’ where they lay in his lap. “I know it’s not how either of us would choose,” he said slowly, like he was weighing the words carefully. “I know that it might not be easy. But I think… I would like to think, that it could be worth it.”

 

Vince didn’t know what to say. How could you know before you started? What if they tried and tried and just ending up hurting each other even more? Vince hadn’t even been someone’s boyfriend before. What if he was terrible at it and Howard left him?

 

“But,” Howard continued, his whole posture changing and becoming rigid, “you don’t have to. We can go back to just being friends. If that’s what you want. I will be in your life however you want me to be.”

 

It was utter rubbish. They couldn’t go back now. Not acknowledging it before was what was destroying them. “I don’t want to,” he said. It was true and he didn’t want to disagree with Howard and start a fight anyway.  He felt Howard tense again and hurried on. “I mean, I don’t want to go back to how it was before. I want to… I want to be your boyfriend. I want you to kiss me and tell me you love me.”

 

Howard was smiling by the time he was finished. “I can do that,” he said softly, his face was a bit red, but he didn’t look opposed to the idea. “I want to make you happy, Vince. I know I’ve been doing a terrible job of it… But, I would like to try. But… But, I need your help. I need you to tell me what you want.”

 

Vince grinned. “What anything?”

 

Howard narrowed his eyes for a moment but then shrugged. “Yes, anything you want.”

 

It was definitely not meant to be sexual. It was Howard, but Vince had seen him (or versions of him) in some very compromising positions over the last couple of days. Not to mention what had happened in bed earlier that morning. There was also something in the low pitch of his voice and Vince wondered if he’d been misreading Howard all this time. Maybe the other man wasn’t so prudish after all. He swallowed heavily, his mind filling with all sorts of ideas. “Can you kiss me again?”

 

Howard didn’t even hesitate or double check Vince meant it, like he expected him to. Instead Howard’s lips covered Vince’s softly, leaving little pecks before opening up to Vince’s tongue. It was a good snog, if a little awkward because they had to bend towards each other in their chairs. Howard was a much better kisser when he was actually participating. Vince closed his eyes and reached up so he could cup the other man’s face.

 

“Like that?” Howard asked when he pulled back. He was probably going for teasing, but his eyes were all wide and his chest was heaving.

 

“A bit like that,” Vince said. “Could probably use some practice.” Then Howard was kissing him again and suddenly nothing seemed complicated at all. This was everything Vince wanted and it couldn’t have felt more right. All his fears and anxiety seemed to dim with the teasing and now with Howard’s big hands gently cupping his shoulders. This would work. He could make this work.

 

Besides, there was no way he was going to let any of those other universes be better than the one he was in. He was the _real_ Vince Noir and this was the _real_ Howard Moon and they were going to be so happy that the other thems would be sick with jealousy if they ever saw them.

 

He pulled back and smiled. “Now tell me that you love me and take me to bed to show me.”

 

Howard’s eyes widened and his face went a very strange colour of red that Vince had never seen before. But he leapt to his feet and reached out his hand immediately. “Vince Noir, I love you. Would you do me the honour of accompanying me to my bedroom so I might try and express some of my regard for you?”

 

Vince giggled, he couldn’t help it. There was a sort of fizzing joy bubbling in his chest and it had to escape somehow. “Alright, then,” he said, allowing himself to be pulled to his feet and then into Howard’s broad chest. “Take me to bed and show me.”

 

Howard smiled down at him, his eyes sparking and then he did. More than once.

 

The End

 


End file.
